also,

heeeeeyyyyyy Ryan! you're still welcome around here.

for those 2 people who still check to see if i've updated... 2 years later...

i guess i will post something, though not really for/about them. i've been "home" for over half a year. a place i call home but that has never felt as though it belongs to me. i've met some "new" people who are really just people who already know people i haven't spoken to in years, because that's what fucking happens in this godforsaken shithole where i am never allowed to grow. i met someone new, mostly new, someone who didn't know me the way that everyone else knows me. i met him and he was the right mix of indifferent and trying to point out the ways he fit into the complications of my life. i shrugged him off for a while, despite his pretty eyes, because he's younger and we have some differences of moral/fundamental opinions. eventually, those things didn't seem to come up and made it feel as though they didn't matter as much as i had thought. we spent some brief times together, always with a task at hand, never with the freedom to explore anything beyond paint finishes. i got sloppy. i always do. and i now spend way too much time wishing he was my person. the one who would be here to cuddle my sickly frame tonight. happy now? i updated this shit, so you can go and discuss my hypothetical boob jobs and that time i went to space because i blew someone at NASA, since that's what you assholes all like to believe. no, i don't have feelings, unless they're in my genitals, right? please, just go the fuck away.

i miss you

or... you think i miss you. and maybe in other situations, after other occasions, i'd succumb to such a thing. but after the latest? eh. you're kind of a huge waste of everyone's time. i realize that everyone will know that very soon, but until then? just know i am coming for you, sugar.

farewell and goodnight.

Action Plan

In light of a lot of recent (and ongoing) issues and setbacks, I have renewed my drive to get things on track.

I know I have just allowed things to get completely out of control and buried my head in the sand, which is really getting me nowhere good.

So I have taken some time to research, looking up advice and tips for succeeding at the various things I want to accomplish. Then I started a little journal where I am tracking everything I do in a day. Activities, money spent, accomplishments from my to-do list, likes and dislikes, diet, sleep, and then i write out my feelings about each of those things (i.e. should i have done something differently and if so, how?) so I can gauge my perception of overall progress on a more constant basis. This should help keep me from just blanketing it all with, "I am trying but it still sucks and nothing is changing."

I have a few short-term goals I want to achieve, so I made rules about what I can and cannot do until those goals are met. For one, until I find a new apartment, I will not be drinking any alcohol. Not only does this save me money, but it also keeps me from going home, having a cocktail and then not following through with the rest of my scheduled evening's action items. Furthermore, given the stress and emotional rawness of my current life, alcohol only increases my sadness or anger. When I am happy, I can drink socially and be enjoyable, so I want to make a point to wait until I can get back to that.

I don't know if this plan will work, but I have hope.

i don't even

know where to begin with anything.

i keep thinking that i used to know how to handle everything, that i knew solutions to problems that hadn't even come up yet.

now?

i feel lost. like i have been lost for years, maybe a decade.

i guess i was kidding myself all along.

the only people who can be trusted are those who aren't allowed to know you.

a lie leads to more lies.

truth is, i'm scared to have anything go well, because then something else can be taken from me.

ugh.

it bothers me so much how i actually notice the difference between him and other people opening the gate. i KNOW the sound of his keys jingling, long before he ever tries to put them in the gate behind our building. i hear people go in and out all day long. we share that gate with an italian restaurant and a starbucks... people are ALWAYS taking out trash. but when this boy unlocks the gate... i know it's him. before he can ever make it to the door. before he can even finish turning the key...

maybe i should just close the windows.

I am using this post to share some poems i really like. These first few are all by Richard Brautigan.

15%

she tries to get things
out of men
that she can't get
because she's not
15% prettier

-2

Everybody wants to go to bed
with everybody else, they're
lined up for blocks, so I'll
go to bed with you. They won't
miss us

It's Raining In Love

I don't know what it is,
but I distrust myself
when I start to like a girl
a lot.

Love Poem

it's so nice
to wake up in the morning
all alone
and not have to tell somebody
you love them
when you don't love them
any more.

Please

Do you think of me
as often
as I think
of you?

Romeo and Juliet

If you will die for me,
I will die for you
and our graves will be like two lovers washing
their clothes together
in a laundromat
If you will bring the soap
I will bring the bleach.

We Stopped at Perfect Days

We stopped at perfect days
and got out of the car.
The wind glanced at her hair.
It was as simple as that.
I turned to say something--

The Moon Versus Us Ever Sleeping Together Again

I sit here, an arch-villain of romance,
thinking about you. Gee, I'm sorry
I made you unhappy, but there was nothing
I could do about it because I have to be free.
Perhaps everything would have been different
if you had stayed at the table or asked me
to go out with you to look at the moon,
instead of getting up and leaving me alone with
her.

The next few are by Suraj Samtani.

I Once Made The Mistake

I once made the mistake of investigating who you really are.
You just surfaced the labels of your identities.

I once made the mistake of trying to unmask you of your identities.
You just showed me a dead end.

I once made the mistake of enlivening your self-imposed dead ends.
You just threatened my life.

I once made the mistake of offering to sacrifice my life for you.
You just snatched away my last breath.


Only I Know

Only I know...

whats that behind the mirror,
whats that behind your masks,
whats that behind your soul.

I have
seen it,
felt it,
experienced it.

No use pretending to me.
No use neglecting me.
No use hiding from me.

You may escape your self,
But you can never, ever,

Escape
Me.

Okay, that's all I feel like posting for now.

assorted flavors.

i have had something of an emotionally devastating morning and at the moment, find myself numb. there are a million things i want to say or write about, but my thoughts are jumbled. i may begin posting more soon, as i sort things out. i want to record everything i can before my memory develops any more voids.

it is a gorgeous day outside in chicago. i wish i could enjoy it properly. instead, i am at work, with nothing to do but think about things and dread the moment i start feeling again. the numbness never lasts.

in an attempt to cheer up, i was reading the news. today's favorite headline so far:

"Teen Hid Sword In Pants"

edit: i take that back. current favorite headline is "Man Steals Underwear, Arrested While Praying"

changes

my phone no longer works. i have deactivated my facebook account. i will no longer be on gchat or aim. i cannot deal with people anymore.

closeness

i was going to delete all of my internet profiles tonight. then i decided that they may be the only way my boys can ever know me in the future.