fairweather friends (some with benefits)

i am not a chicago native (for those who do not already know) but this is my home. this is the place where my heart has always lived. when i moved to chicago, i "knew" several people already living here. i also "knew" a few who had moved away, perhaps returning to their original homes. one of those is a girl i knew but did not like in high school who is now easily the best friend i have ever had... even surpassing that guy mentioned in the last post. she has since learned all the things i told to him, and she did not abandon me. for that, i will always love her. of the remaining people, chicagoland natives and transplants, i cannot say that any single one of them is actually a friend now, nor were they ever, despite my attempts.

unfortunately, from what i can gather, a (very private and personal) situation between myself and another, previously unmentioned fella, seems to have evolved into an epidemic that is wiping out even the pretend "friendships" i had with anyone. this does not surprise me in the least, given that i know all of these people from an e-forum full of stupid drama where everyone always got involved in shit that had nothing to do with them in the first place. and of course, everyone always picks a side. it's always the same side. if you remember junior high enemies at all, you know what i mean.... except add in the multiple years of this shit far beyond the time frame in which it should have existed. the majority of these people are even older than myself. they have all been through equally stupid bullshit, and yet none of them seem to be willing to believe that there are two sides to every story, nor did any of them ever extend the courtesy of asking my side.

so yeah, i'm bitter, but at least i am learning that none of them ever really wanted to know anything about me in the first place. makes it slightly easier to let it go, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard. too much of my life was spent at least somewhat interlinked with these people. some of the most formative portions of my life were parallel with those folks. yet now i am some joke. some stupid crazy girl they all ignore without a word of explanation for why, though i know damn well it is related to that one person and his own skewed version of events. no one asked. no one cared to know the other half. really unfortunate how i have ended up in 2 different cities with not one person i could trust or depend upon to be a friend. i never asked anyone to choose. i am fine with being friends with people who are friends of enemies. i just do not want to be slandered and insulted and never given a chance.

to add to all of this... there is one of them who WILL talk to me from time to time, but only to ask for small favors. to ask for the use of my psychic gifts (though I am still working to really understand them) for his own benefit. he does not want to hear anything about me, does not want to be a friend, does not talk to me until he needs something. and once i give it (as i always do, because i care) he vanishes until the next situation comes along when he wants some sort of insight. typical. maybe i am in fact, stupid, for actually believing that there are good people who would be good friends and would want me around even when i am not providing some sort of service.

i just really wanted to believe that everyone had grown up. that all of these people were really the good people i had put so much faith and hope into. so sure.... i am stupid.