wuv. twoooo wuv.

though the title is a joke, the rest of this post is not.

yeah, i'm a girl. yeah, i try very hard to not mold to those stupid stereotypes of how we females are. yeah, i mostly succeed in my efforts.

however, i do have my weaknesses and while they cause me a million problems, i am still thankful for knowing that i am even capable of feeling.

so, almost 10 years ago, i distantly encountered a certain guy via a forum (yes, internet) that no longer exists. over those years, i knew vaguely what was going on in his life, or who he was kinda peripherally. maybe 2-3 years ago, his presence became more prominent in my vision and i began paying more attention. it did not take long for me to develop a fascination. eventually i mentioned this to a mutual friend who told the guy and we began speaking. things progressed rapidly from there and while i have been steadfast in my determination to wait until i was ready to be in love, i could not help falling for him. i tried so hard to play things off and even tried to pretend i was not hurt when we became so close that i might as well have been dating him, but he belonged to someone else. i tried. i fought. i kicked and i screamed and i drank a lot and numbed myself to sleep with xanax because i could not deal with the reality of the situation i had created....

i was in love, despite myself. i was willing to compromise and change. i was waiting in the wings though i had never been asked. i was miserable and somehow felt more alive than i ever had before. he seemed to feel like i did, but would not admit as much and was always restrained (as he should have been, having a girlfriend and all). he spent so much time with me (and yet, it never felt like enough) and we shared so many secrets that it was only fitting that he became my absolute best friend. he knows more about me than anyone else ever has. he (for a time) accepted everything, gave his honest opinion even when it kinda hurt for me to hear the truth, and he was still supportive of me becoming the person i strive so hard to be.

clearly, it was not hard for me to be madly, stupidly in love with this boy. and then he moved in with the girlfriend. i knew it was going to happen, but he had not told me for some reason. maybe shame, maybe embarrassment, maybe uncertainty and just not wanting to admit to me that he felt he may be making a mistake. after all, we had both come to realize that he was the stronger of the two of us, and maybe we depended upon that too much. i can recall the day it became clear. he was driving me to my car, in the rain, too fast. i was scared and started crying because i was so anxious and upset but unsure exactly why. when we reached my car and he started walking into his house, he turned and looked at me. i said simply, "i guess i will see you when i see you." and he was so casual, like he wanted me to believe that nothing had changed. i cried the entire drive home and for days after.

months later, after a lot of silence, we became somewhat close again. eventually the relationship with his girlfriend fell apart, but they still had a lease together. there were still restrictions and i had already moved almost 800 miles away. visits were planned and then canceled. always, there was a leash of "i want you, but we can't be together, but i love you, but i won't say it, but please love me" and of course i just obeyed. i had been through 6-7 years of absolute misery after losing my very first love to another girl while pregnant, but somehow this boy, this friend... had become everything. he was everything i had ever dreamed i would find, everything i wanted, everything i needed. this has been the most devastating experience of my entire life and as a result, i no longer believe that i have the drive to find anyone else that i feel this way about.

earlier this year, the day of his birth, he suddenly stopped speaking to me. i still have not been given an answer. the night before, things were good. we were corresponding in a cordial and flirtatious manner. then i said goodnight and there was no good morning. the few words i've heard from him (directly or otherwise) have been only that i am crazy because i keep asking why and demands that i leave him alone. i wish that i could. i wish more than anything that i could stop feeling, thinking, hurting, etc... because of him. if i fucked something up, i need to know why. i need to know what i have to work on for anyone in the future. but i do not know, i do not have any answers and i have an overwhelming weight of heartache and loss. he may as well be dead, because that is the way it hurts. my first love was nothing at all compared to this love. i cannot stop. i cannot forget. i cannot let go. i know he is not who he is pretending to be right now. i know.

so this is a reality that i have to live with every day, and yet it seems so fucking unreal. it does not even seem possible, given the way we were before that day. i spent 5 hours making a birthday card for him. filled it with tiny little notes, all of them stating something that i loved about him. a few weeks before, he and i had spent my birthday alone together, skin to skin, spewing honesty in the dark. he even told me later that i had made his entire weekend. things seemed so perfect. i have encountered him randomly a few times since our severance, but he does not look at me.

someday this won't hurt, right?