Need some extra income or some holiday gift ideas?

If not for the seemingly fruitless search for my driver's license and my transit card (lost after a night of drinking over the weekend, and unable to be replaced because the world hates me) I may never have discovered such a bountiful treasure trove as the inside of our second-hand hideous sofa. Mind you, we inherited this sofa with the apartment and have not yet managed to replace it, so do not just assume we have terrible taste in furnishings.

I digress.

Whilst digging in the aforementioned sofa, I realized I could feel things down under the seat part but could not reach them. My solution? Flip that sumbitch over and remove that shitty cobwebby fabric that they always attach under there. No, I did not find my holy grail, but what i DID find was a plethora of interesting things... AND MONEY!!

After I separated out the items from the 50 pounds of crumbs and scraps of paper, I decided to arrange them for the purposes of photographing. I shall share those here.







For that person on your list who is not fortunate enough to have their own washer/dryer, you could give a roll of quarters.

For the handyman, there is an excellent set of allen wrenches.

Maybe you know someone who likes to bind things together... Rubber bands are perfect for just that thing!

Is there someone on your list who has hair or perhaps just someone who likes to pick locks? Bobby-pins are the answer!

Know anyone who needs to write things down and occasionally emphasize or even make them permanent? A set of pens, highlighters and Sharpie markers could be just the solution! BONUS: You could even use one of these writing instruments to create your shopping list AND to check it off! I know I love me some Sharpies and gel pens as much as I love making lists.

Personally, I was hoping to find some Fat Tire or Budweiser in the couch as well (though fresher and with the caps still intact), so it would be lovely to discover those in my Christmas stocking. I'm looking at you, New Belgium and Anheuser-Busch. (Though you Goose Island and New Glarus people would be equally appreciated.)

Now, if you're really lucky, you may be able to stop at the vending machine outside your local dollar store and pop those remaining nickels and dimes in there to get yourself a refreshing generic soda.

Happy Holidays, y'all!

P.S.

(thanks to Ashley for linking this)

Get Over It.

eye-rolls.

here is some sarcasm:

i love love love it when people from my past cling to the things i did wrong just enough to make vaguely bitchy commentaries about me, as if anyone we mutually know has no clue who they are talking about. sadly, those people also seem to cling to other things that make them unable to let go of what was obviously not working. if your life is fucked, it is not my fault. especially after all this time. i take responsibility for my mistakes (and yes, yes i did admit where i fucked up, but some people refuse to admit where they were wrong) so maybe it's time for some folks to move along and stop obsessing over what i am doing or posting about. i extended apologies that were not accepted. that is the best i can do.

what is really great is that enemies are the only people who seem to believe that one cannot change or that things cannot possibly be different the next time around. they do, they have, they are. sorry if that is not what you want to hear.

Curtis DO NOT ANSWER

Here's a little secret about me... When I'm drinking, I find it nearly impossible to make up a lie on the spot. As such, when approached by a stranger and asked for my number, I cannot seem to give them a fake or come up with a good excuse not to give them the real thing. This is how the story of Curtis began.

I had been pre-gaming while getting ready to head down to the South Loop for additional drinks with friends, so I was already on my way to drunk. While waiting for a cab, a friendly guy makes a casual commentary from several feet away, though he's directing his statement toward me. I cannot even recall what he said because it was not personal in any way. He may have said something like, "It's a lovely evening outside tonight." I, being a friendly Southern girl, responded in agreement.

Unfortunately, he took this as a cue to come talk to me and attempt to get me to come into this bar across the street and have drinks with him. Aside from the fact that I am not attracted to men considerably older than me (and he was), I also felt like he had tricked me, though I should have expected such a thing to occur. There's just something about a girl being ANYWHERE alone that seems to scream only to the skeeviest dudes "YES I WANT TO GO HOME WITH YOU" though no one else (girl included) seems to get such a false impression.

Anyhow, in an effort to get this guy to leave me alone, I agreed to give him my number and said that if I finished up with my friends early enough and still felt like staying out, that I *may* give him a call. Note the lack of commitment and also the specific "don't call me, i'll call YOU." I figured he would try to call once or twice, maybe send a text over the next couple of weeks to try to make plans and when I ignored him, that would be the end of it.

If only I could have been so lucky. This guy blew up my phone with texts ranging from "how could you not show up?" to "shoulda fuckin known you'd be a bitch." That was just that first night. Every night after for a couple of weeks he would go back and forth between telling me I was a horrible person for not responding to begging me to come out for just one drink. I began to suspect that he believed if I would come out for the one drink, he'd roofie me and I would never be found. After weeks of this incessant shit I finally replied and told him to fuck off and that I am not interested and also that he's insane. He argued with me a bit and then got silent for a week or so.

Lo and behold, he started texting me again with the same kinda begging thing, always at 2 a.m. or later, despite my repeated requests for him to stop. I would even try to be nice about it like, "I have to work tomorrow morning so I really need to sleep" hoping he would maybe take pity on me and stop at least for the night. Nope. He has slacked off considerably, but now it's a weekly thing where he's trying to woo me. Because this is so ridiculous it is vaguely amusing, I am going to share last night's exchange here (my responses in italics and some of his spanned 3-4 texts so they seem really long here):

10:26 pm Hope you forgive me for being such an ass

11:39 pm I want to fuck you

11:39 pm I don't care. Fuck off.

11:43 pm Are u out or home?

11:44 pm At home. Trying not to be bothered by people I've asked repeatedly to leave me alone.

11:47 pm Yah you must agree it's a compliment to be wanted right... Dude all i'm saying is hey if you want someone who really wants you, i'm here... It's the only reason i text u.

11:48 pm It's not a compliment. It's testament to the fact that you're nuts and cannot grasp "leave me alone."

11:53 pm Not true. I know how good I would be for you. Unfortunately u don't. And I come across as a creep knocking at your door not willing to go away. I know that given a chance that anger you have for me will be replaced by joy. I sense that you're awesome and only want to take a closer look. Nothing ventured nothing gained. I've got a good feeling about u.

11:55 pm You feel whatever. I feel like I am sick of people who cannot take a hint or blatant rejection. I am not interested.

12:01 am Feeling the way you do says to me you need someone to understand and not judge, that's me honey... So you gather yourself and know that everything will be ok. I'm sorry to hear that you are going thru that but it happens. You are not alone you'll get no pressure from me i'm your friend when you want me. Again it may be rough now but everything will be ok.

12:03 am I don't need a friend and you don't know me so stop your bullshit pretending you do. I'm not stupid and this shit will never work on me. Leave me alone.

12:11 am I come to you wanting you. Not as a friend but as a man taken by the presence of a beautiful woman. I did not have the chance you promised me to get to know you yet given this contact I'm still trying. Now I hear in your text that you are going through some issues so i back off to say if it's comforting to have someone listen I will. I still want you but if you are not present because of the issues how can I be more than a friend.

12:12 am I do not want you to listen to me, except when i tell you to leave me alone. How much clearer can I make that?

12:14 am It would be clearer in person.

12:21 am Not. Going. To. Happen.

12:23 am Simonds is open til 2 I'll wait for you there, wear your red jacket.

12:24 am No. Fuck off.

12:29 am Come. You want to come. and you will.

12:56 am Guess you're not coming, I tried... sweet dreams baby... btw i know I don't have a chance in hell with you because you don't know me, if you did you would be here because I would be good to you. So I apologize for giving you shit i just did my best to win a friend against her will knowing i would be worth it. Sweet dreams baby. Hope things get better for you.

1:13 am Guess i came up here for nothing. I should have stayed home. What was I thinking. Should have known you would not come.

1:14 am Yeah, considering I said i wouldn't.

1:16 am Right. But I was still kinda hoping you would come and give me shit personally. It's not far from your crib.

1:17 am I live in Logan now, and I have a relationship that I want to keep. (in retrospect drunk me should also not mention where i live, and also should consider that he probably took my relationship comment to mean that if not for the relationship, i'd be all over him. ugh.)

1:20 am Oh I thought you were in Andersonville. That's awful.

1:25 am And I would want to get in the way of your relationship, just be your little something on the side no strings... guess i should jump in my car and drive home since I can't see you tonight

1:26 am I have no interest in relationship distractions. Go home. Go to sleep. Stop texting me. Forever.

1:28 am Where are you in Logan?

1:29 am None of your damn business.

1:39 am You play hard to get but you want me... I feel it. Now because you play so hard to get you know it's gonna be a hard fuck cause i'm gonna have to make you pay for holding out. I kinda feel that's what you need right now but hey I could be wrong. You tell me baby.

2:03 am Goodnight baby

As you can see, there are plenty to which i did not even respond. The dude is crazy, but hey, it gave me something to post about! Also, I love how he took my "i'm sick of YOU NOT TAKING A HINT" to mean that I am all depressed about something else entirely.

The title of this post is the contact listing for this guy in my phone so I can always screen him. Incidentally, he's the only person in my phone who is listed as "do not answer" so....

I remember when i could

I remember when i could sleep through anything.... Except when it was important.

But don't ever point out

But don't ever point out their lies. Then they feel threatened. Exposed. Primal. They'll fight back.

But telling you means admitting

But telling you means admitting it to themselves and who wants to do THAT?! I know i don't.

People lie. Not because they're

People lie. Not because they're afraid of disappointing you. They know they'd be disappointed by their own truth.