as being one of the few that always makes me feel like Chicago was a good idea.
12.28.2010
be careful what you wish for...
y'know, once upon a time, i asked for something that seemed so simple at that moment. my wish?
"if i can have nothing else, please just give a little illusion that the ending is not so predictable."
that's where those few seemingly special people came in. something to distract the eye, the mind, the heart... all of it... from the truth that i will still end up alone.
on the other hand, at least being alone means there is no one to disappoint, no one to hurt, no one to hurt me.
i suppose that with all this time i have stretching before me, i should be doing something to fill it up with good things for me that do not require anyone else.
"if i can have nothing else, please just give a little illusion that the ending is not so predictable."
that's where those few seemingly special people came in. something to distract the eye, the mind, the heart... all of it... from the truth that i will still end up alone.
on the other hand, at least being alone means there is no one to disappoint, no one to hurt, no one to hurt me.
i suppose that with all this time i have stretching before me, i should be doing something to fill it up with good things for me that do not require anyone else.
12.25.2010
ORD > MEM > LIT
i managed to make it home to arkansas for the wintery festivities, which so far have included more driving than i have done in 6 months combined, gift-wrapping, bacon, too many cookies, mysterious run-in with estranged family member... twice, coloring my sister's hair, watching deer cross the road, tormenting my parents' dog with a snuggie made for him to wear (though he cowered and behaved as if punished) and lots of annoying people doing last minute shopping like myself.
now that things have settled down and i'm catching up on my google reader stuff, i have entertained myself (as i often do) with the chicago craigslist missed connections. some are so vague and wistful that i can imagine they are for me from someone else. some are just interestingly coincidental in a few details so i create a fun story in my mind to go along with the rest. it's pitiful, sure, but i an a single and relatively attractive girl who spends a lot of time out and about in a big city. doesn't seem unreasonable that someone would notice. so here are some selections:
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/2127857212.html
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/2128577280.html
http://chicago.craigslist.org/nwc/mis/2128311372.html
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/2127700048.html
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/2127806410.html
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/2126982078.html
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/2126880638.html
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/2125768949.html
now that things have settled down and i'm catching up on my google reader stuff, i have entertained myself (as i often do) with the chicago craigslist missed connections. some are so vague and wistful that i can imagine they are for me from someone else. some are just interestingly coincidental in a few details so i create a fun story in my mind to go along with the rest. it's pitiful, sure, but i an a single and relatively attractive girl who spends a lot of time out and about in a big city. doesn't seem unreasonable that someone would notice. so here are some selections:
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/2127857212.html
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/2128577280.html
http://chicago.craigslist.org/nwc/mis/2128311372.html
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/2127700048.html
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/2127806410.html
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/2126982078.html
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/2126880638.html
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/2125768949.html
12.08.2010
A Follow-Up On Our Good Friend Curtis
For those of you (all both of you) who read my blog, you surely remember my post about Curtis. If you do not, or if you are new to this circus, I am kindly providing you this link so you can catch up.
Now for the latest.
Curtis still likes to send me the occasional random text message. Usually something innocuous such as a simple, "hi." I have learned that if I do not even bother responding, he will generally leave it at that. As annoying as he is, I was content to just leave it alone. However, a couple of nights ago he decided he just had to call me. Yes, an actual call. I know, right? Who does that these days?
Anyhow, I handed the phone to my roommate, Brian and asked him to answer it. So he did and Curtis said nothing but did not hang up for a bit, until Brian said, "Stop calling Brandy."
A few moments later, the following text message exchange happened between them (via my phone):
Curtis: Brandy's a fucking bitch. Fuck you! Tell her to not give out her number if she is going to be a fucking bitch! I don't like wasting my time on assholes.
Brian: you need to grow up and stop texting her.
Curtis: Dude it's right I'm older than your cliche but I'm not given to know my age like you see it cuz I'm living inside feeling the vibe that's not aged knowing full well I would fuck your lights out. So keep the bullshit of limitations to yourself. I guess you like young ignorant men when it comes to loving a woman.
Brian: do you realize how creepy old man you are?
And that was that. I do believe that Curtis was intending his last message for me and not Brian, but it's funny either way. I am sure this is not the last I will hear from him, but I do expect a good week or two of silence before he attempts this again.
Now for the latest.
Curtis still likes to send me the occasional random text message. Usually something innocuous such as a simple, "hi." I have learned that if I do not even bother responding, he will generally leave it at that. As annoying as he is, I was content to just leave it alone. However, a couple of nights ago he decided he just had to call me. Yes, an actual call. I know, right? Who does that these days?
Anyhow, I handed the phone to my roommate, Brian and asked him to answer it. So he did and Curtis said nothing but did not hang up for a bit, until Brian said, "Stop calling Brandy."
A few moments later, the following text message exchange happened between them (via my phone):
Curtis: Brandy's a fucking bitch. Fuck you! Tell her to not give out her number if she is going to be a fucking bitch! I don't like wasting my time on assholes.
Brian: you need to grow up and stop texting her.
Curtis: Dude it's right I'm older than your cliche but I'm not given to know my age like you see it cuz I'm living inside feeling the vibe that's not aged knowing full well I would fuck your lights out. So keep the bullshit of limitations to yourself. I guess you like young ignorant men when it comes to loving a woman.
Brian: do you realize how creepy old man you are?
And that was that. I do believe that Curtis was intending his last message for me and not Brian, but it's funny either way. I am sure this is not the last I will hear from him, but I do expect a good week or two of silence before he attempts this again.
11.23.2010
Need some extra income or some holiday gift ideas?
If not for the seemingly fruitless search for my driver's license and my transit card (lost after a night of drinking over the weekend, and unable to be replaced because the world hates me) I may never have discovered such a bountiful treasure trove as the inside of our second-hand hideous sofa. Mind you, we inherited this sofa with the apartment and have not yet managed to replace it, so do not just assume we have terrible taste in furnishings.
I digress.
Whilst digging in the aforementioned sofa, I realized I could feel things down under the seat part but could not reach them. My solution? Flip that sumbitch over and remove that shitty cobwebby fabric that they always attach under there. No, I did not find my holy grail, but what i DID find was a plethora of interesting things... AND MONEY!!
After I separated out the items from the 50 pounds of crumbs and scraps of paper, I decided to arrange them for the purposes of photographing. I shall share those here.
For that person on your list who is not fortunate enough to have their own washer/dryer, you could give a roll of quarters.
For the handyman, there is an excellent set of allen wrenches.
Maybe you know someone who likes to bind things together... Rubber bands are perfect for just that thing!
Is there someone on your list who has hair or perhaps just someone who likes to pick locks? Bobby-pins are the answer!
Know anyone who needs to write things down and occasionally emphasize or even make them permanent? A set of pens, highlighters and Sharpie markers could be just the solution! BONUS: You could even use one of these writing instruments to create your shopping list AND to check it off! I know I love me some Sharpies and gel pens as much as I love making lists.
Personally, I was hoping to find some Fat Tire or Budweiser in the couch as well (though fresher and with the caps still intact), so it would be lovely to discover those in my Christmas stocking. I'm looking at you, New Belgium and Anheuser-Busch. (Though you Goose Island and New Glarus people would be equally appreciated.)
Now, if you're really lucky, you may be able to stop at the vending machine outside your local dollar store and pop those remaining nickels and dimes in there to get yourself a refreshing generic soda.
Happy Holidays, y'all!
I digress.
Whilst digging in the aforementioned sofa, I realized I could feel things down under the seat part but could not reach them. My solution? Flip that sumbitch over and remove that shitty cobwebby fabric that they always attach under there. No, I did not find my holy grail, but what i DID find was a plethora of interesting things... AND MONEY!!
After I separated out the items from the 50 pounds of crumbs and scraps of paper, I decided to arrange them for the purposes of photographing. I shall share those here.
For that person on your list who is not fortunate enough to have their own washer/dryer, you could give a roll of quarters.
For the handyman, there is an excellent set of allen wrenches.
Maybe you know someone who likes to bind things together... Rubber bands are perfect for just that thing!
Is there someone on your list who has hair or perhaps just someone who likes to pick locks? Bobby-pins are the answer!
Know anyone who needs to write things down and occasionally emphasize or even make them permanent? A set of pens, highlighters and Sharpie markers could be just the solution! BONUS: You could even use one of these writing instruments to create your shopping list AND to check it off! I know I love me some Sharpies and gel pens as much as I love making lists.
Personally, I was hoping to find some Fat Tire or Budweiser in the couch as well (though fresher and with the caps still intact), so it would be lovely to discover those in my Christmas stocking. I'm looking at you, New Belgium and Anheuser-Busch. (Though you Goose Island and New Glarus people would be equally appreciated.)
Now, if you're really lucky, you may be able to stop at the vending machine outside your local dollar store and pop those remaining nickels and dimes in there to get yourself a refreshing generic soda.
Happy Holidays, y'all!
11.16.2010
11.15.2010
eye-rolls.
here is some sarcasm:
i love love love it when people from my past cling to the things i did wrong just enough to make vaguely bitchy commentaries about me, as if anyone we mutually know has no clue who they are talking about. sadly, those people also seem to cling to other things that make them unable to let go of what was obviously not working. if your life is fucked, it is not my fault. especially after all this time. i take responsibility for my mistakes (and yes, yes i did admit where i fucked up, but some people refuse to admit where they were wrong) so maybe it's time for some folks to move along and stop obsessing over what i am doing or posting about. i extended apologies that were not accepted. that is the best i can do.
what is really great is that enemies are the only people who seem to believe that one cannot change or that things cannot possibly be different the next time around. they do, they have, they are. sorry if that is not what you want to hear.
i love love love it when people from my past cling to the things i did wrong just enough to make vaguely bitchy commentaries about me, as if anyone we mutually know has no clue who they are talking about. sadly, those people also seem to cling to other things that make them unable to let go of what was obviously not working. if your life is fucked, it is not my fault. especially after all this time. i take responsibility for my mistakes (and yes, yes i did admit where i fucked up, but some people refuse to admit where they were wrong) so maybe it's time for some folks to move along and stop obsessing over what i am doing or posting about. i extended apologies that were not accepted. that is the best i can do.
what is really great is that enemies are the only people who seem to believe that one cannot change or that things cannot possibly be different the next time around. they do, they have, they are. sorry if that is not what you want to hear.
11.02.2010
Curtis DO NOT ANSWER
Here's a little secret about me... When I'm drinking, I find it nearly impossible to make up a lie on the spot. As such, when approached by a stranger and asked for my number, I cannot seem to give them a fake or come up with a good excuse not to give them the real thing. This is how the story of Curtis began.
I had been pre-gaming while getting ready to head down to the South Loop for additional drinks with friends, so I was already on my way to drunk. While waiting for a cab, a friendly guy makes a casual commentary from several feet away, though he's directing his statement toward me. I cannot even recall what he said because it was not personal in any way. He may have said something like, "It's a lovely evening outside tonight." I, being a friendly Southern girl, responded in agreement.
Unfortunately, he took this as a cue to come talk to me and attempt to get me to come into this bar across the street and have drinks with him. Aside from the fact that I am not attracted to men considerably older than me (and he was), I also felt like he had tricked me, though I should have expected such a thing to occur. There's just something about a girl being ANYWHERE alone that seems to scream only to the skeeviest dudes "YES I WANT TO GO HOME WITH YOU" though no one else (girl included) seems to get such a false impression.
Anyhow, in an effort to get this guy to leave me alone, I agreed to give him my number and said that if I finished up with my friends early enough and still felt like staying out, that I *may* give him a call. Note the lack of commitment and also the specific "don't call me, i'll call YOU." I figured he would try to call once or twice, maybe send a text over the next couple of weeks to try to make plans and when I ignored him, that would be the end of it.
If only I could have been so lucky. This guy blew up my phone with texts ranging from "how could you not show up?" to "shoulda fuckin known you'd be a bitch." That was just that first night. Every night after for a couple of weeks he would go back and forth between telling me I was a horrible person for not responding to begging me to come out for just one drink. I began to suspect that he believed if I would come out for the one drink, he'd roofie me and I would never be found. After weeks of this incessant shit I finally replied and told him to fuck off and that I am not interested and also that he's insane. He argued with me a bit and then got silent for a week or so.
Lo and behold, he started texting me again with the same kinda begging thing, always at 2 a.m. or later, despite my repeated requests for him to stop. I would even try to be nice about it like, "I have to work tomorrow morning so I really need to sleep" hoping he would maybe take pity on me and stop at least for the night. Nope. He has slacked off considerably, but now it's a weekly thing where he's trying to woo me. Because this is so ridiculous it is vaguely amusing, I am going to share last night's exchange here (my responses in italics and some of his spanned 3-4 texts so they seem really long here):
10:26 pm Hope you forgive me for being such an ass
11:39 pm I want to fuck you
11:39 pm I don't care. Fuck off.
11:43 pm Are u out or home?
11:44 pm At home. Trying not to be bothered by people I've asked repeatedly to leave me alone.
11:47 pm Yah you must agree it's a compliment to be wanted right... Dude all i'm saying is hey if you want someone who really wants you, i'm here... It's the only reason i text u.
11:48 pm It's not a compliment. It's testament to the fact that you're nuts and cannot grasp "leave me alone."
11:53 pm Not true. I know how good I would be for you. Unfortunately u don't. And I come across as a creep knocking at your door not willing to go away. I know that given a chance that anger you have for me will be replaced by joy. I sense that you're awesome and only want to take a closer look. Nothing ventured nothing gained. I've got a good feeling about u.
11:55 pm You feel whatever. I feel like I am sick of people who cannot take a hint or blatant rejection. I am not interested.
12:01 am Feeling the way you do says to me you need someone to understand and not judge, that's me honey... So you gather yourself and know that everything will be ok. I'm sorry to hear that you are going thru that but it happens. You are not alone you'll get no pressure from me i'm your friend when you want me. Again it may be rough now but everything will be ok.
12:03 am I don't need a friend and you don't know me so stop your bullshit pretending you do. I'm not stupid and this shit will never work on me. Leave me alone.
12:11 am I come to you wanting you. Not as a friend but as a man taken by the presence of a beautiful woman. I did not have the chance you promised me to get to know you yet given this contact I'm still trying. Now I hear in your text that you are going through some issues so i back off to say if it's comforting to have someone listen I will. I still want you but if you are not present because of the issues how can I be more than a friend.
12:12 am I do not want you to listen to me, except when i tell you to leave me alone. How much clearer can I make that?
12:14 am It would be clearer in person.
12:21 am Not. Going. To. Happen.
12:23 am Simonds is open til 2 I'll wait for you there, wear your red jacket.
12:24 am No. Fuck off.
12:29 am Come. You want to come. and you will.
12:56 am Guess you're not coming, I tried... sweet dreams baby... btw i know I don't have a chance in hell with you because you don't know me, if you did you would be here because I would be good to you. So I apologize for giving you shit i just did my best to win a friend against her will knowing i would be worth it. Sweet dreams baby. Hope things get better for you.
1:13 am Guess i came up here for nothing. I should have stayed home. What was I thinking. Should have known you would not come.
1:14 am Yeah, considering I said i wouldn't.
1:16 am Right. But I was still kinda hoping you would come and give me shit personally. It's not far from your crib.
1:17 am I live in Logan now, and I have a relationship that I want to keep. (in retrospect drunk me should also not mention where i live, and also should consider that he probably took my relationship comment to mean that if not for the relationship, i'd be all over him. ugh.)
1:20 am Oh I thought you were in Andersonville. That's awful.
1:25 am And I would want to get in the way of your relationship, just be your little something on the side no strings... guess i should jump in my car and drive home since I can't see you tonight
1:26 am I have no interest in relationship distractions. Go home. Go to sleep. Stop texting me. Forever.
1:28 am Where are you in Logan?
1:29 am None of your damn business.
1:39 am You play hard to get but you want me... I feel it. Now because you play so hard to get you know it's gonna be a hard fuck cause i'm gonna have to make you pay for holding out. I kinda feel that's what you need right now but hey I could be wrong. You tell me baby.
2:03 am Goodnight baby
As you can see, there are plenty to which i did not even respond. The dude is crazy, but hey, it gave me something to post about! Also, I love how he took my "i'm sick of YOU NOT TAKING A HINT" to mean that I am all depressed about something else entirely.
The title of this post is the contact listing for this guy in my phone so I can always screen him. Incidentally, he's the only person in my phone who is listed as "do not answer" so....
I had been pre-gaming while getting ready to head down to the South Loop for additional drinks with friends, so I was already on my way to drunk. While waiting for a cab, a friendly guy makes a casual commentary from several feet away, though he's directing his statement toward me. I cannot even recall what he said because it was not personal in any way. He may have said something like, "It's a lovely evening outside tonight." I, being a friendly Southern girl, responded in agreement.
Unfortunately, he took this as a cue to come talk to me and attempt to get me to come into this bar across the street and have drinks with him. Aside from the fact that I am not attracted to men considerably older than me (and he was), I also felt like he had tricked me, though I should have expected such a thing to occur. There's just something about a girl being ANYWHERE alone that seems to scream only to the skeeviest dudes "YES I WANT TO GO HOME WITH YOU" though no one else (girl included) seems to get such a false impression.
Anyhow, in an effort to get this guy to leave me alone, I agreed to give him my number and said that if I finished up with my friends early enough and still felt like staying out, that I *may* give him a call. Note the lack of commitment and also the specific "don't call me, i'll call YOU." I figured he would try to call once or twice, maybe send a text over the next couple of weeks to try to make plans and when I ignored him, that would be the end of it.
If only I could have been so lucky. This guy blew up my phone with texts ranging from "how could you not show up?" to "shoulda fuckin known you'd be a bitch." That was just that first night. Every night after for a couple of weeks he would go back and forth between telling me I was a horrible person for not responding to begging me to come out for just one drink. I began to suspect that he believed if I would come out for the one drink, he'd roofie me and I would never be found. After weeks of this incessant shit I finally replied and told him to fuck off and that I am not interested and also that he's insane. He argued with me a bit and then got silent for a week or so.
Lo and behold, he started texting me again with the same kinda begging thing, always at 2 a.m. or later, despite my repeated requests for him to stop. I would even try to be nice about it like, "I have to work tomorrow morning so I really need to sleep" hoping he would maybe take pity on me and stop at least for the night. Nope. He has slacked off considerably, but now it's a weekly thing where he's trying to woo me. Because this is so ridiculous it is vaguely amusing, I am going to share last night's exchange here (my responses in italics and some of his spanned 3-4 texts so they seem really long here):
10:26 pm Hope you forgive me for being such an ass
11:39 pm I want to fuck you
11:39 pm I don't care. Fuck off.
11:43 pm Are u out or home?
11:44 pm At home. Trying not to be bothered by people I've asked repeatedly to leave me alone.
11:47 pm Yah you must agree it's a compliment to be wanted right... Dude all i'm saying is hey if you want someone who really wants you, i'm here... It's the only reason i text u.
11:48 pm It's not a compliment. It's testament to the fact that you're nuts and cannot grasp "leave me alone."
11:53 pm Not true. I know how good I would be for you. Unfortunately u don't. And I come across as a creep knocking at your door not willing to go away. I know that given a chance that anger you have for me will be replaced by joy. I sense that you're awesome and only want to take a closer look. Nothing ventured nothing gained. I've got a good feeling about u.
11:55 pm You feel whatever. I feel like I am sick of people who cannot take a hint or blatant rejection. I am not interested.
12:01 am Feeling the way you do says to me you need someone to understand and not judge, that's me honey... So you gather yourself and know that everything will be ok. I'm sorry to hear that you are going thru that but it happens. You are not alone you'll get no pressure from me i'm your friend when you want me. Again it may be rough now but everything will be ok.
12:03 am I don't need a friend and you don't know me so stop your bullshit pretending you do. I'm not stupid and this shit will never work on me. Leave me alone.
12:11 am I come to you wanting you. Not as a friend but as a man taken by the presence of a beautiful woman. I did not have the chance you promised me to get to know you yet given this contact I'm still trying. Now I hear in your text that you are going through some issues so i back off to say if it's comforting to have someone listen I will. I still want you but if you are not present because of the issues how can I be more than a friend.
12:12 am I do not want you to listen to me, except when i tell you to leave me alone. How much clearer can I make that?
12:14 am It would be clearer in person.
12:21 am Not. Going. To. Happen.
12:23 am Simonds is open til 2 I'll wait for you there, wear your red jacket.
12:24 am No. Fuck off.
12:29 am Come. You want to come. and you will.
12:56 am Guess you're not coming, I tried... sweet dreams baby... btw i know I don't have a chance in hell with you because you don't know me, if you did you would be here because I would be good to you. So I apologize for giving you shit i just did my best to win a friend against her will knowing i would be worth it. Sweet dreams baby. Hope things get better for you.
1:13 am Guess i came up here for nothing. I should have stayed home. What was I thinking. Should have known you would not come.
1:14 am Yeah, considering I said i wouldn't.
1:16 am Right. But I was still kinda hoping you would come and give me shit personally. It's not far from your crib.
1:17 am I live in Logan now, and I have a relationship that I want to keep. (in retrospect drunk me should also not mention where i live, and also should consider that he probably took my relationship comment to mean that if not for the relationship, i'd be all over him. ugh.)
1:20 am Oh I thought you were in Andersonville. That's awful.
1:25 am And I would want to get in the way of your relationship, just be your little something on the side no strings... guess i should jump in my car and drive home since I can't see you tonight
1:26 am I have no interest in relationship distractions. Go home. Go to sleep. Stop texting me. Forever.
1:28 am Where are you in Logan?
1:29 am None of your damn business.
1:39 am You play hard to get but you want me... I feel it. Now because you play so hard to get you know it's gonna be a hard fuck cause i'm gonna have to make you pay for holding out. I kinda feel that's what you need right now but hey I could be wrong. You tell me baby.
2:03 am Goodnight baby
As you can see, there are plenty to which i did not even respond. The dude is crazy, but hey, it gave me something to post about! Also, I love how he took my "i'm sick of YOU NOT TAKING A HINT" to mean that I am all depressed about something else entirely.
The title of this post is the contact listing for this guy in my phone so I can always screen him. Incidentally, he's the only person in my phone who is listed as "do not answer" so....
I remember when i could
I remember when i could sleep through anything.... Except when it was important.
11.01.2010
But don't ever point out
But don't ever point out their lies. Then they feel threatened. Exposed. Primal. They'll fight back.
But telling you means admitting
But telling you means admitting it to themselves and who wants to do THAT?! I know i don't.
People lie. Not because they're
People lie. Not because they're afraid of disappointing you. They know they'd be disappointed by their own truth.
10.27.2010
reality check.
i've always said that the minute i feel optimistic, the entire world will assault me at once. i am glad to know that i was not incorrect in that assessment, but sad to know that i was.
i'm trying to go ahead and nail down my new year's plans, since those will directly tie to my christmas plans, etc. and it's good to have something to look forward to. the one roomie is rarely home and not reliable as a source of scheduling and the other is going to vegas to fuck prostitutes and gamble away his future. if luck has its way with me (and it almost always does) i will be sitting home alone here in chicago, watching it snow outside my window, thinking about how shitty the year has been and how the upcoming year will not likely be any better at all. yeah, i know, it's easy to be a downer, but let's face reality... this is how things go for me. i am not the girl with the happy ending to her shitty story. there is no lesson to be learned here beyond, "do not even bother trying, because it will only make you feel worse."
methinks that NOW is the time for leftover pizza. and probably a refill of this vodka/7up.
i'm trying to go ahead and nail down my new year's plans, since those will directly tie to my christmas plans, etc. and it's good to have something to look forward to. the one roomie is rarely home and not reliable as a source of scheduling and the other is going to vegas to fuck prostitutes and gamble away his future. if luck has its way with me (and it almost always does) i will be sitting home alone here in chicago, watching it snow outside my window, thinking about how shitty the year has been and how the upcoming year will not likely be any better at all. yeah, i know, it's easy to be a downer, but let's face reality... this is how things go for me. i am not the girl with the happy ending to her shitty story. there is no lesson to be learned here beyond, "do not even bother trying, because it will only make you feel worse."
methinks that NOW is the time for leftover pizza. and probably a refill of this vodka/7up.
10.25.2010
winter friends.
i missed you so much. i HAVE missed you so much. but the fact of the matter is that you proved to me that you were not a person worth knowing, much less missing. thanks for showing me the light. i will always appreciate you for that much.
in other news, my entire apartment smells of curry, thanks to one of my two new roomies making dinner. the other just went and retrieved coffee for me next door. they're totally encouraging me to be both lazy AND pampered. i cannot complain about such things.
p.s. anderson cooper is a pretty attractive man for his age. sean penn? looks like he's prolly on drugs. my bad?
in other news, my entire apartment smells of curry, thanks to one of my two new roomies making dinner. the other just went and retrieved coffee for me next door. they're totally encouraging me to be both lazy AND pampered. i cannot complain about such things.
p.s. anderson cooper is a pretty attractive man for his age. sean penn? looks like he's prolly on drugs. my bad?
10.13.2010
what does one do with $400 worth of rubber flooring?
this is a question that the roomie and i have been asking ourselves since our trip to menard's last night. i have almost settled on the idea that the buyer of the aforementioned flooring is planning to kill a lot of people and wants it to be a relatively easy cleanup. just hose down the floor and blood-be-gone!
someone in IT just came by and handed me a fancy Digipass for a new aspect of my job that i will be taking on very soon. it makes me feel important, somehow. then IT guy said that someone from "Credentials" would be contacting me regarding the digipass. I said, "Credentials? We have one of those departments here? That sounds very CIA." He agreed, but it turns out that they'll just be sending me an email with some info on how to set the whole thing up and link my pass to me specifically.
i had a meeting with my boss this morning to align invoices and purchase orders to specific projects that are ongoing. during this meeting we also discussed some additional responsibilities he intends for me to have on my plate, which is pretty exciting. not only does it mean that i am getting more hours, but more job security, too. really really nice.
in other news, there's a guy. things with that (whatever it is) are good. that is all i care to disclose at this time.
it's new bed shopping time. i am thrilled to be finally getting a new bed. i cannot wait to sink into new-soft-sheet-covered memory foamy luxury. this rainy day would have been perfect for such things.
since the roomie's birthday is monday, i promised him a homemade carrot cake. got my old supervisor's recipe, which happens to be the best one ever. i'm tempted to make a pre-birthday cake and just eat the entire thing myself. i figure the resulting hyperactivity will help me burn off the calories so it will balance out.
someone in IT just came by and handed me a fancy Digipass for a new aspect of my job that i will be taking on very soon. it makes me feel important, somehow. then IT guy said that someone from "Credentials" would be contacting me regarding the digipass. I said, "Credentials? We have one of those departments here? That sounds very CIA." He agreed, but it turns out that they'll just be sending me an email with some info on how to set the whole thing up and link my pass to me specifically.
i had a meeting with my boss this morning to align invoices and purchase orders to specific projects that are ongoing. during this meeting we also discussed some additional responsibilities he intends for me to have on my plate, which is pretty exciting. not only does it mean that i am getting more hours, but more job security, too. really really nice.
in other news, there's a guy. things with that (whatever it is) are good. that is all i care to disclose at this time.
it's new bed shopping time. i am thrilled to be finally getting a new bed. i cannot wait to sink into new-soft-sheet-covered memory foamy luxury. this rainy day would have been perfect for such things.
since the roomie's birthday is monday, i promised him a homemade carrot cake. got my old supervisor's recipe, which happens to be the best one ever. i'm tempted to make a pre-birthday cake and just eat the entire thing myself. i figure the resulting hyperactivity will help me burn off the calories so it will balance out.
10.10.2010
9.26.2010
the names i chose for my kids reveal all my secrets
at least this article (and many others like it) seems to suggest.
http://www.vat19.com/blog/2009/03/what_your_babys_name_says_abou.html#more
now here's the story behind my boys' names.
Jackson Douglas comes from Jack Austin Stotts and my son's father, Douglas Edward Clark, Jr. In junior high school, Jack was my boyfriend. I was in the same class as his younger brother, Jared. I met Jack on Halloween night. He was wearing a way-too-large dress and motherfuckin' army jump boots. Of course my 14 year old self found this level of ridiculous to be so charming that I tormented myself for a few months with the notion of "love" for this scrawny, bald boy who seemed to care only for NIN, drums and military fatigue pants. He later joined the national guard while attending college at UCA in Arkansas, and in the wee hours of the morning after Valentine's day, he was gunned down in a robbery while working his shitty convenience store job that he had taken so as not to be a financial burden upon his family while he was in school. He was an extremely intelligent, hilarious, controversial, admirable, obnoxious, blunt, enigmatic figure. My cozy little group of outcasts had zero problem absorbing him into our ranks immediately, though we rarely let anyone in. Every group has criteria, even when they're the schoolyard social group of people everyone else avoids. I adored Jack. I spent hours poring over the notes he wrote to me, having my 2 best friends assist me in the deciphering of his horribly unintelligible left-handed chickenscratch cursive writing. To this day, there are still portions of those letters that have never been decoded. Worst handwriting ever. But my son, Jack, was named for this guy. He seems to suit the name well. Jack #1's parents (Jack and Leisa) are my Jack's "godparents" despite the fact that neither my ex-husband nor I believe in the christian "god". We both believed that if anything ever happened to us, that Jack and Leisa would be some of the absolute best influences our developing son could ever have. We were not wrong. To add to all of this, when I learned I was pregnant and we told them about the whole thing, it seemed to help draw them out of their mourning. When we discovered we were having a boy, we had already decided that his name would be Jack. The "Douglas" aspect came later. He was always Jack. They seemed to know and appreciate this fact. It had been less than a year by this time. I was so out of it on the day I gave birth that I do not remember a lot of the details, but I do know that Leisa was there. I remember her bringing me a potted Calla Lily (my absolute fave ever) and she later told me that prior to my epidural, she had stepped out in the hall when her daughter, Jasmine, called. Jasmine commented that she could hear me screaming. I find this slightly amusing now, because the epidural followed by the birth of my very first, unbelievably perfect and gorgeous child has managed to wipe away the specifics of the pain that I had endured. Oh sure, I remember that it was unbearable. I remember my mother crying and begging me to get the epidural because it was killing her to see me in so much pain (this is one of the only times in my life that I have ever seen my mom lose her composure). I remember Doug trying to sleep until the active labor phase (I was induced) but being unable to do so because I was in and out of screaming pain or just general bitching about something being uncomfortable, and I know I felt guilty because he had not slept in about 24 hours, due to working nights, coming home and then driving us both to the hospital for my induction. I remember my ex mother-in-law, Dee, being there and being so helpful in telling the nurses exactly what I needed even when I did not know myself. But the intensity of the pain? I remember it as an abstract concept. I remember it like one of those thermometer charts for charity. I know what it means when I recall the "fullness" of that "thermometer" but I have lost the details of that sharpness. This, I think, is what enables women to give birth more than once. If we did not forget that physical trauma the way we do, this species would have likely died off centuries before any sort of pain relief was discovered. Regardless of this tangent and anything else I had ever planned for, dreamed of, believed in, Jackson Douglas Clark was born at 1:22 p.m. on March 11, 2003 at 8 lbs, 5 oz and in that split second, he destroyed everything I knew and replaced it with everything I never dreamed I wanted to know. My Jacks were both huge learning experiences. The Jack I still have around manages to teach me something new even when I haven't heard a thing from him. Just thinking about that kid manages to inspire me. At some point, I will discuss his Asperger's and all the ways it makes him even more impressive, but I should probably stop rambling about the one son and move on to the other.
Eli was always going to be "Eli" whether he was officially "Elijah" or "Elizabeth." A couple of months before I was pregnant, I had a "pregnancy scare" and Eli's dad and I discussed everything. His mother had died almost a year earlier, and they had a tumultuous relationship, but in true nature, his mom had meant the world to him. I am much the same way. Mom is always the most important, even when she is not the best person in our lives. In his case, "mom" had been named Elizabeth. If my son had been born a daughter, he would have been Elizabeth (maybe "Ann" like his namesake, or "Austin" for his brother's namesake, Jack Austin, or maybe "Anneliese" because I had adored that name for years). We had already chosen "Elijah" for a boy, though the middle name had not been officially chosen when our son opted to arrive almost a month early. Elijah Matisse Fuell was born at 5:12 a.m. on May 19, 2005, weighing in at 6 lbs, 3 oz. There was no epidural (well, there were 2, but both were botched and neither managed to numb anything beyond a 3 inch circle on my left thigh) and I felt every single bit of that baby's birth. Despite the stress and drama (a huge, complicated story that I may or may not cover in the future) it was a much more satisfying birth than that of my older son. I still feel like I accomplished something by having Eli drug-free. I do know that he was able to nurse exclusively from the get-go, while I had to give up after a couple of weeks with Jack due to my body not cooperating with his particular appetite, his latching issues and him ultimately starving. Eli had none of those problems. I brought him home and we hardly got out of bed for over a week. I was just so enamored with him, having time to spend with him completely alone and not distracted by anyone else. Jack was with his dad + granny, Eli's dad was with his girlfriend, I was not working, my family was far away and no one really seemed to understand how alone I truly felt. I was heartbroken at the time, but I am extremely thankful for those days I got to spend when I believed that the only people in my life that were worthwhile were Jack and Eli. It gave me drive and purpose. It put in my mind that the only thing that mattered was that I always chose the least devastating option for them. So yes, while I now live 11 hours away, I timed my exit before I could become that mother who stops protecting her kids. Elijah has been the source of so many joyful memories, along with Jack. They really are the best things that could have ever happened to me, despite me never actually wanting kids of my own.
I've said it dozens of times before, but I cannot wait to watch the people they become.
http://www.vat19.com/blog/2009/03/what_your_babys_name_says_abou.html#more
now here's the story behind my boys' names.
Jackson Douglas comes from Jack Austin Stotts and my son's father, Douglas Edward Clark, Jr. In junior high school, Jack was my boyfriend. I was in the same class as his younger brother, Jared. I met Jack on Halloween night. He was wearing a way-too-large dress and motherfuckin' army jump boots. Of course my 14 year old self found this level of ridiculous to be so charming that I tormented myself for a few months with the notion of "love" for this scrawny, bald boy who seemed to care only for NIN, drums and military fatigue pants. He later joined the national guard while attending college at UCA in Arkansas, and in the wee hours of the morning after Valentine's day, he was gunned down in a robbery while working his shitty convenience store job that he had taken so as not to be a financial burden upon his family while he was in school. He was an extremely intelligent, hilarious, controversial, admirable, obnoxious, blunt, enigmatic figure. My cozy little group of outcasts had zero problem absorbing him into our ranks immediately, though we rarely let anyone in. Every group has criteria, even when they're the schoolyard social group of people everyone else avoids. I adored Jack. I spent hours poring over the notes he wrote to me, having my 2 best friends assist me in the deciphering of his horribly unintelligible left-handed chickenscratch cursive writing. To this day, there are still portions of those letters that have never been decoded. Worst handwriting ever. But my son, Jack, was named for this guy. He seems to suit the name well. Jack #1's parents (Jack and Leisa) are my Jack's "godparents" despite the fact that neither my ex-husband nor I believe in the christian "god". We both believed that if anything ever happened to us, that Jack and Leisa would be some of the absolute best influences our developing son could ever have. We were not wrong. To add to all of this, when I learned I was pregnant and we told them about the whole thing, it seemed to help draw them out of their mourning. When we discovered we were having a boy, we had already decided that his name would be Jack. The "Douglas" aspect came later. He was always Jack. They seemed to know and appreciate this fact. It had been less than a year by this time. I was so out of it on the day I gave birth that I do not remember a lot of the details, but I do know that Leisa was there. I remember her bringing me a potted Calla Lily (my absolute fave ever) and she later told me that prior to my epidural, she had stepped out in the hall when her daughter, Jasmine, called. Jasmine commented that she could hear me screaming. I find this slightly amusing now, because the epidural followed by the birth of my very first, unbelievably perfect and gorgeous child has managed to wipe away the specifics of the pain that I had endured. Oh sure, I remember that it was unbearable. I remember my mother crying and begging me to get the epidural because it was killing her to see me in so much pain (this is one of the only times in my life that I have ever seen my mom lose her composure). I remember Doug trying to sleep until the active labor phase (I was induced) but being unable to do so because I was in and out of screaming pain or just general bitching about something being uncomfortable, and I know I felt guilty because he had not slept in about 24 hours, due to working nights, coming home and then driving us both to the hospital for my induction. I remember my ex mother-in-law, Dee, being there and being so helpful in telling the nurses exactly what I needed even when I did not know myself. But the intensity of the pain? I remember it as an abstract concept. I remember it like one of those thermometer charts for charity. I know what it means when I recall the "fullness" of that "thermometer" but I have lost the details of that sharpness. This, I think, is what enables women to give birth more than once. If we did not forget that physical trauma the way we do, this species would have likely died off centuries before any sort of pain relief was discovered. Regardless of this tangent and anything else I had ever planned for, dreamed of, believed in, Jackson Douglas Clark was born at 1:22 p.m. on March 11, 2003 at 8 lbs, 5 oz and in that split second, he destroyed everything I knew and replaced it with everything I never dreamed I wanted to know. My Jacks were both huge learning experiences. The Jack I still have around manages to teach me something new even when I haven't heard a thing from him. Just thinking about that kid manages to inspire me. At some point, I will discuss his Asperger's and all the ways it makes him even more impressive, but I should probably stop rambling about the one son and move on to the other.
Eli was always going to be "Eli" whether he was officially "Elijah" or "Elizabeth." A couple of months before I was pregnant, I had a "pregnancy scare" and Eli's dad and I discussed everything. His mother had died almost a year earlier, and they had a tumultuous relationship, but in true nature, his mom had meant the world to him. I am much the same way. Mom is always the most important, even when she is not the best person in our lives. In his case, "mom" had been named Elizabeth. If my son had been born a daughter, he would have been Elizabeth (maybe "Ann" like his namesake, or "Austin" for his brother's namesake, Jack Austin, or maybe "Anneliese" because I had adored that name for years). We had already chosen "Elijah" for a boy, though the middle name had not been officially chosen when our son opted to arrive almost a month early. Elijah Matisse Fuell was born at 5:12 a.m. on May 19, 2005, weighing in at 6 lbs, 3 oz. There was no epidural (well, there were 2, but both were botched and neither managed to numb anything beyond a 3 inch circle on my left thigh) and I felt every single bit of that baby's birth. Despite the stress and drama (a huge, complicated story that I may or may not cover in the future) it was a much more satisfying birth than that of my older son. I still feel like I accomplished something by having Eli drug-free. I do know that he was able to nurse exclusively from the get-go, while I had to give up after a couple of weeks with Jack due to my body not cooperating with his particular appetite, his latching issues and him ultimately starving. Eli had none of those problems. I brought him home and we hardly got out of bed for over a week. I was just so enamored with him, having time to spend with him completely alone and not distracted by anyone else. Jack was with his dad + granny, Eli's dad was with his girlfriend, I was not working, my family was far away and no one really seemed to understand how alone I truly felt. I was heartbroken at the time, but I am extremely thankful for those days I got to spend when I believed that the only people in my life that were worthwhile were Jack and Eli. It gave me drive and purpose. It put in my mind that the only thing that mattered was that I always chose the least devastating option for them. So yes, while I now live 11 hours away, I timed my exit before I could become that mother who stops protecting her kids. Elijah has been the source of so many joyful memories, along with Jack. They really are the best things that could have ever happened to me, despite me never actually wanting kids of my own.
I've said it dozens of times before, but I cannot wait to watch the people they become.
9.25.2010
totally forgotten until now
the thought, that is...
a few weeks back, Cory Branan and i were sitting in a little 24 hour Mexican food joint in Logan Square when i said, "I'm not entirely sure i would want someone to write a song about me." His reply? "Oh, I'm pretty sure there are already songs about you. At least some drum lines." Ha. Yeah.
a few weeks back, Cory Branan and i were sitting in a little 24 hour Mexican food joint in Logan Square when i said, "I'm not entirely sure i would want someone to write a song about me." His reply? "Oh, I'm pretty sure there are already songs about you. At least some drum lines." Ha. Yeah.
9.24.2010
education reform
i'm watching a clip of the Oprah Show with Mark Zuckerberg. The majority of you know that he is one of the founders of Facebook, and also one of the 2 youngest richest people on the list.
so many of you probably know that he pledged a donation of $100 million to New Jersey schools.
other than that, today's Chicago RedEye ran a feature on the richest Chicagoans... not one of them seems to have made a significant pledge to Chicago's school system, though it is VERY clear that the city could benefit from such a donation.
Chicago's statistics show a huge, sprawling city full of crime and the education rates are anything but stellar. I regularly read stories about kids who get out of their high school classes for the day and congregate in Uptown to perpetuate assorted gang rival battles. Some are so minor that they're never noticed. Others draw a lot of attention from concerned neighbors who just want to live peacefully in their multi-block area, sandwiched between a number of relatively safe and profitable neighborhoods. People who do not live in Uptown think that it's just as bad as the decades old reputation of the Chicago South Side. Sadly, those people aren't entirely incorrect. Uptown is one of my favorite neighborhoods in the city. It has some of the best and oldest architecture, and it is all going to waste with graffiti and vandalism and just general negative loitering of smarmy people who are most always up to no good.
Now that Mayor Daley's coveted spot is going to be available, maybe some of those among Chicago's "richest" should start coughing up some money, either to run for the mayoral office themselves or at least to put some fire power behind a candidate of their choice.
After all, this city desperately needs something new. Some hope, some assurance that things have a chance of working out for the best someday. Allowing the city's future leaders (a.k.a. the kids who are being churned out by the public schools) to go uneducated, uninformed, unsupported.... is not only an injustice to the people who support those who make the decisions; it is a crime against humanity.
so many of you probably know that he pledged a donation of $100 million to New Jersey schools.
other than that, today's Chicago RedEye ran a feature on the richest Chicagoans... not one of them seems to have made a significant pledge to Chicago's school system, though it is VERY clear that the city could benefit from such a donation.
Chicago's statistics show a huge, sprawling city full of crime and the education rates are anything but stellar. I regularly read stories about kids who get out of their high school classes for the day and congregate in Uptown to perpetuate assorted gang rival battles. Some are so minor that they're never noticed. Others draw a lot of attention from concerned neighbors who just want to live peacefully in their multi-block area, sandwiched between a number of relatively safe and profitable neighborhoods. People who do not live in Uptown think that it's just as bad as the decades old reputation of the Chicago South Side. Sadly, those people aren't entirely incorrect. Uptown is one of my favorite neighborhoods in the city. It has some of the best and oldest architecture, and it is all going to waste with graffiti and vandalism and just general negative loitering of smarmy people who are most always up to no good.
Now that Mayor Daley's coveted spot is going to be available, maybe some of those among Chicago's "richest" should start coughing up some money, either to run for the mayoral office themselves or at least to put some fire power behind a candidate of their choice.
After all, this city desperately needs something new. Some hope, some assurance that things have a chance of working out for the best someday. Allowing the city's future leaders (a.k.a. the kids who are being churned out by the public schools) to go uneducated, uninformed, unsupported.... is not only an injustice to the people who support those who make the decisions; it is a crime against humanity.
some details about today
I nearly froze my tits off on the way to work. This would have been particularly tragic as I never really had tits to begin with, so I would most likely end up with negative tits. Not even lucky enough to be at zero.
On my way home from work, I got the word that I was picked from the various applicants to move into an apartment in Logan Square (my old Chicago 'hood) with 2 people I already like very much. There will be many details forthcoming about the new place, but I will understate my feelings here and say, "I am ridiculously excited about this apartment and these roommates." One of them is going to help me build a platform bed. Which now means I need to go ahead and buy that memory foam mattress I have been lusting after for years. Less than 2 weeks and I hope to have one of my very own. Apartment Hints: exposed brick, hardwood floors, TWO (rather large) closets for me, gas fireplace, central heat/air (rare in Chicago, it seems), a covered deck bigger than my (rather spacious) new bedroom, a dishwasher (OMFG YES), coffee shop next door, right on friggin' Logan Blvd (which I have always adored for its well-maintained classic Chicago architecture and tree-lined quaintness, despite being a major thoroughfare) and I will be just blocks from my fave cheap Chinese place and "MY" pizza place. Not only is it gorgeous and unbelievable, but it also has the cheap rent locked in from a price set 5 years ago. The people in the next (identical) apartment are all paying $220 more per month, per person, than my roommates and I pay. I could talk about this place all evening, but that would make the next post about it all boring.
I picked up Chinese (not from my fave place) for dinner and I have had a couple beers. Now I am thinking about settling in for the evening and watching movies. The slightly chilled air blowing through the windows inspires me to wear one of my favorite hoodies, but still is not cold enough to make me close out the fresh breeze. These things, combined with that Harvest Moon/Autumnal Equinox, are making me feel so very peaceful and forgiving and hopeful. Makes me happy to be alive.
My boss informed me this morning that our CFO had a chat with him yesterday, discussing how impressed she is with the streamlining of our department's accounting since I came on board. That alone was enough to make me feel like I am actually doing something right in my life. I love my job, my company and my boss. I would be sad if they ever did NOT need me around, but Will (my boss) told me today that he always needs me there, because I do make sure things are going the way they should. I have fixed a number of problems with the old process since arriving, though there are some that still need work (namely, getting other people in the process to do what they're supposed to do) and I have simplified a lot of the prior steps involved. I am proud of that much, but cannot really brag because I know that I could be working harder to make those changes more significant. I just do not want to resent my job, so i opt out of spending my unpaid home hours doing research for work.
Regardless of all these great things, I have been extremely emotional today and I do not even know why. No real indication of what was upsetting me, but I just felt very strongly sad or frustrated or bitter for the biggest part of the day. So much so that when Will asked me about Jack + Eli and he said something about how my "eyes light up when I talk about them" I started crying and said, "I need to get out of here. I have to get to the bank before it gets crazy." Then I just almost ran out of his office and had to get it all out in the empty elevator during the 20 second ride downstairs. I have not really felt all day like there is any reason to be sad, so maybe all the built-up stress of the last couple of years just came out in this one odd release. Like I was finally so relieved that I could focus on other things. Maybe. I don't know for sure, but I feel fine now and have for a few hours, at least, so I think it's over.
The fall is the hardest season for me, though it is my favorite. This year is worse than others, yet I know it has just begun and there is plenty of time for it to turn around entirely. I will continue to hope for improvements, and try harder to be more thankful for the things that have gone well.
My Eli can now do addition, though they're not yet learning it in his class. He also prefers to read TO his daddy, rather than having Stew read to him. Jack is as astounding as ever, and is constantly impressing every new person he meets. Those 2 are things that went right (even if I did not) and are something that I am constantly thankful for, no matter how everything else has turned out. They taught me the foundations of everything I will ever need to know.
Today was a good day. I didn't have to use my AK.
On my way home from work, I got the word that I was picked from the various applicants to move into an apartment in Logan Square (my old Chicago 'hood) with 2 people I already like very much. There will be many details forthcoming about the new place, but I will understate my feelings here and say, "I am ridiculously excited about this apartment and these roommates." One of them is going to help me build a platform bed. Which now means I need to go ahead and buy that memory foam mattress I have been lusting after for years. Less than 2 weeks and I hope to have one of my very own. Apartment Hints: exposed brick, hardwood floors, TWO (rather large) closets for me, gas fireplace, central heat/air (rare in Chicago, it seems), a covered deck bigger than my (rather spacious) new bedroom, a dishwasher (OMFG YES), coffee shop next door, right on friggin' Logan Blvd (which I have always adored for its well-maintained classic Chicago architecture and tree-lined quaintness, despite being a major thoroughfare) and I will be just blocks from my fave cheap Chinese place and "MY" pizza place. Not only is it gorgeous and unbelievable, but it also has the cheap rent locked in from a price set 5 years ago. The people in the next (identical) apartment are all paying $220 more per month, per person, than my roommates and I pay. I could talk about this place all evening, but that would make the next post about it all boring.
I picked up Chinese (not from my fave place) for dinner and I have had a couple beers. Now I am thinking about settling in for the evening and watching movies. The slightly chilled air blowing through the windows inspires me to wear one of my favorite hoodies, but still is not cold enough to make me close out the fresh breeze. These things, combined with that Harvest Moon/Autumnal Equinox, are making me feel so very peaceful and forgiving and hopeful. Makes me happy to be alive.
My boss informed me this morning that our CFO had a chat with him yesterday, discussing how impressed she is with the streamlining of our department's accounting since I came on board. That alone was enough to make me feel like I am actually doing something right in my life. I love my job, my company and my boss. I would be sad if they ever did NOT need me around, but Will (my boss) told me today that he always needs me there, because I do make sure things are going the way they should. I have fixed a number of problems with the old process since arriving, though there are some that still need work (namely, getting other people in the process to do what they're supposed to do) and I have simplified a lot of the prior steps involved. I am proud of that much, but cannot really brag because I know that I could be working harder to make those changes more significant. I just do not want to resent my job, so i opt out of spending my unpaid home hours doing research for work.
Regardless of all these great things, I have been extremely emotional today and I do not even know why. No real indication of what was upsetting me, but I just felt very strongly sad or frustrated or bitter for the biggest part of the day. So much so that when Will asked me about Jack + Eli and he said something about how my "eyes light up when I talk about them" I started crying and said, "I need to get out of here. I have to get to the bank before it gets crazy." Then I just almost ran out of his office and had to get it all out in the empty elevator during the 20 second ride downstairs. I have not really felt all day like there is any reason to be sad, so maybe all the built-up stress of the last couple of years just came out in this one odd release. Like I was finally so relieved that I could focus on other things. Maybe. I don't know for sure, but I feel fine now and have for a few hours, at least, so I think it's over.
The fall is the hardest season for me, though it is my favorite. This year is worse than others, yet I know it has just begun and there is plenty of time for it to turn around entirely. I will continue to hope for improvements, and try harder to be more thankful for the things that have gone well.
My Eli can now do addition, though they're not yet learning it in his class. He also prefers to read TO his daddy, rather than having Stew read to him. Jack is as astounding as ever, and is constantly impressing every new person he meets. Those 2 are things that went right (even if I did not) and are something that I am constantly thankful for, no matter how everything else has turned out. They taught me the foundations of everything I will ever need to know.
Today was a good day. I didn't have to use my AK.
9.23.2010
reduce, reuse, recycle. refresh. restore. restart.
California Blue Line (California + Milwaukee)
9 p.m.
9 p.m.
9.22.2010
questions
"Answer me this, Clark. If you got that answer and he said something is 'wrong' with you, would you change it?"
"Hell no, but that doesn't mean I don't want the answer."
"Hell no, but that doesn't mean I don't want the answer."
9.21.2010
good intentions.
i left work a little earlier today than i had planned. went to take a brief tour of a printing warehouse on Printer's Row, followed by a bit too much tea at a nearby cafe. good conversation with Mister Thursday. the guy gets me, maybe more than would make me comfortable, but it is always nice when someone can understand what i mean. i have been stressed as of late. this afternoon was much needed. too many cigarettes. a habit i am still trying to break... one that would have been easy if i still had the inspiration. then a long walk to catch a very crowded red line train. hours before i should have worried, yet a few stops still make me look up nervously, concerned i might see someone who would rather not see me. these days, i do not even know if i would want to glimpse him. everything is confusing. always.
in most ways, i have moved on. obviously, i am still existing without him, without his friendship. but in some ways it is only existing. the thing i cannot ignore is that i have no reason to want him around when he cared so little that i was so easy to drop. no concerns, no worries, no consideration for how i might feel. i would love to believe that he is secretly agonizing over the way he has treated me, knowing how awful these months have been. i know that is wishful thinking. he does not care. really, if he had ever felt love for me at all, friends or otherwise... if i had been important... this abrupt disconnect would not have been so easy. which brings me to that horrid realization that i put all of my trust and faith and love (none of which i can easily give) into someone fake.
regardless of all of that... knowing those things, those infallible "truths"... that foolish part of me that loved him cannot seem to believe those "truths" and all i want is proof that i was right all along to give in.
i suppose this is that gullible side of myself. the one that few people really think exists. i put on a front of thinking everyone is shitty and that everyone will fuck me over. yes, i believe that, but only 98%. sometimes, people get through. he did. that does not mean i do not feel like i got fucked over. i do. but i am forgiving to a fault.
i hate missing anyone.
in most ways, i have moved on. obviously, i am still existing without him, without his friendship. but in some ways it is only existing. the thing i cannot ignore is that i have no reason to want him around when he cared so little that i was so easy to drop. no concerns, no worries, no consideration for how i might feel. i would love to believe that he is secretly agonizing over the way he has treated me, knowing how awful these months have been. i know that is wishful thinking. he does not care. really, if he had ever felt love for me at all, friends or otherwise... if i had been important... this abrupt disconnect would not have been so easy. which brings me to that horrid realization that i put all of my trust and faith and love (none of which i can easily give) into someone fake.
regardless of all of that... knowing those things, those infallible "truths"... that foolish part of me that loved him cannot seem to believe those "truths" and all i want is proof that i was right all along to give in.
i suppose this is that gullible side of myself. the one that few people really think exists. i put on a front of thinking everyone is shitty and that everyone will fuck me over. yes, i believe that, but only 98%. sometimes, people get through. he did. that does not mean i do not feel like i got fucked over. i do. but i am forgiving to a fault.
i hate missing anyone.
9.17.2010
fairweather friends (some with benefits)
i am not a chicago native (for those who do not already know) but this is my home. this is the place where my heart has always lived. when i moved to chicago, i "knew" several people already living here. i also "knew" a few who had moved away, perhaps returning to their original homes. one of those is a girl i knew but did not like in high school who is now easily the best friend i have ever had... even surpassing that guy mentioned in the last post. she has since learned all the things i told to him, and she did not abandon me. for that, i will always love her. of the remaining people, chicagoland natives and transplants, i cannot say that any single one of them is actually a friend now, nor were they ever, despite my attempts.
unfortunately, from what i can gather, a (very private and personal) situation between myself and another, previously unmentioned fella, seems to have evolved into an epidemic that is wiping out even the pretend "friendships" i had with anyone. this does not surprise me in the least, given that i know all of these people from an e-forum full of stupid drama where everyone always got involved in shit that had nothing to do with them in the first place. and of course, everyone always picks a side. it's always the same side. if you remember junior high enemies at all, you know what i mean.... except add in the multiple years of this shit far beyond the time frame in which it should have existed. the majority of these people are even older than myself. they have all been through equally stupid bullshit, and yet none of them seem to be willing to believe that there are two sides to every story, nor did any of them ever extend the courtesy of asking my side.
so yeah, i'm bitter, but at least i am learning that none of them ever really wanted to know anything about me in the first place. makes it slightly easier to let it go, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard. too much of my life was spent at least somewhat interlinked with these people. some of the most formative portions of my life were parallel with those folks. yet now i am some joke. some stupid crazy girl they all ignore without a word of explanation for why, though i know damn well it is related to that one person and his own skewed version of events. no one asked. no one cared to know the other half. really unfortunate how i have ended up in 2 different cities with not one person i could trust or depend upon to be a friend. i never asked anyone to choose. i am fine with being friends with people who are friends of enemies. i just do not want to be slandered and insulted and never given a chance.
to add to all of this... there is one of them who WILL talk to me from time to time, but only to ask for small favors. to ask for the use of my psychic gifts (though I am still working to really understand them) for his own benefit. he does not want to hear anything about me, does not want to be a friend, does not talk to me until he needs something. and once i give it (as i always do, because i care) he vanishes until the next situation comes along when he wants some sort of insight. typical. maybe i am in fact, stupid, for actually believing that there are good people who would be good friends and would want me around even when i am not providing some sort of service.
i just really wanted to believe that everyone had grown up. that all of these people were really the good people i had put so much faith and hope into. so sure.... i am stupid.
unfortunately, from what i can gather, a (very private and personal) situation between myself and another, previously unmentioned fella, seems to have evolved into an epidemic that is wiping out even the pretend "friendships" i had with anyone. this does not surprise me in the least, given that i know all of these people from an e-forum full of stupid drama where everyone always got involved in shit that had nothing to do with them in the first place. and of course, everyone always picks a side. it's always the same side. if you remember junior high enemies at all, you know what i mean.... except add in the multiple years of this shit far beyond the time frame in which it should have existed. the majority of these people are even older than myself. they have all been through equally stupid bullshit, and yet none of them seem to be willing to believe that there are two sides to every story, nor did any of them ever extend the courtesy of asking my side.
so yeah, i'm bitter, but at least i am learning that none of them ever really wanted to know anything about me in the first place. makes it slightly easier to let it go, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard. too much of my life was spent at least somewhat interlinked with these people. some of the most formative portions of my life were parallel with those folks. yet now i am some joke. some stupid crazy girl they all ignore without a word of explanation for why, though i know damn well it is related to that one person and his own skewed version of events. no one asked. no one cared to know the other half. really unfortunate how i have ended up in 2 different cities with not one person i could trust or depend upon to be a friend. i never asked anyone to choose. i am fine with being friends with people who are friends of enemies. i just do not want to be slandered and insulted and never given a chance.
to add to all of this... there is one of them who WILL talk to me from time to time, but only to ask for small favors. to ask for the use of my psychic gifts (though I am still working to really understand them) for his own benefit. he does not want to hear anything about me, does not want to be a friend, does not talk to me until he needs something. and once i give it (as i always do, because i care) he vanishes until the next situation comes along when he wants some sort of insight. typical. maybe i am in fact, stupid, for actually believing that there are good people who would be good friends and would want me around even when i am not providing some sort of service.
i just really wanted to believe that everyone had grown up. that all of these people were really the good people i had put so much faith and hope into. so sure.... i am stupid.
9.16.2010
wuv. twoooo wuv.
though the title is a joke, the rest of this post is not.
yeah, i'm a girl. yeah, i try very hard to not mold to those stupid stereotypes of how we females are. yeah, i mostly succeed in my efforts.
however, i do have my weaknesses and while they cause me a million problems, i am still thankful for knowing that i am even capable of feeling.
so, almost 10 years ago, i distantly encountered a certain guy via a forum (yes, internet) that no longer exists. over those years, i knew vaguely what was going on in his life, or who he was kinda peripherally. maybe 2-3 years ago, his presence became more prominent in my vision and i began paying more attention. it did not take long for me to develop a fascination. eventually i mentioned this to a mutual friend who told the guy and we began speaking. things progressed rapidly from there and while i have been steadfast in my determination to wait until i was ready to be in love, i could not help falling for him. i tried so hard to play things off and even tried to pretend i was not hurt when we became so close that i might as well have been dating him, but he belonged to someone else. i tried. i fought. i kicked and i screamed and i drank a lot and numbed myself to sleep with xanax because i could not deal with the reality of the situation i had created....
i was in love, despite myself. i was willing to compromise and change. i was waiting in the wings though i had never been asked. i was miserable and somehow felt more alive than i ever had before. he seemed to feel like i did, but would not admit as much and was always restrained (as he should have been, having a girlfriend and all). he spent so much time with me (and yet, it never felt like enough) and we shared so many secrets that it was only fitting that he became my absolute best friend. he knows more about me than anyone else ever has. he (for a time) accepted everything, gave his honest opinion even when it kinda hurt for me to hear the truth, and he was still supportive of me becoming the person i strive so hard to be.
clearly, it was not hard for me to be madly, stupidly in love with this boy. and then he moved in with the girlfriend. i knew it was going to happen, but he had not told me for some reason. maybe shame, maybe embarrassment, maybe uncertainty and just not wanting to admit to me that he felt he may be making a mistake. after all, we had both come to realize that he was the stronger of the two of us, and maybe we depended upon that too much. i can recall the day it became clear. he was driving me to my car, in the rain, too fast. i was scared and started crying because i was so anxious and upset but unsure exactly why. when we reached my car and he started walking into his house, he turned and looked at me. i said simply, "i guess i will see you when i see you." and he was so casual, like he wanted me to believe that nothing had changed. i cried the entire drive home and for days after.
months later, after a lot of silence, we became somewhat close again. eventually the relationship with his girlfriend fell apart, but they still had a lease together. there were still restrictions and i had already moved almost 800 miles away. visits were planned and then canceled. always, there was a leash of "i want you, but we can't be together, but i love you, but i won't say it, but please love me" and of course i just obeyed. i had been through 6-7 years of absolute misery after losing my very first love to another girl while pregnant, but somehow this boy, this friend... had become everything. he was everything i had ever dreamed i would find, everything i wanted, everything i needed. this has been the most devastating experience of my entire life and as a result, i no longer believe that i have the drive to find anyone else that i feel this way about.
earlier this year, the day of his birth, he suddenly stopped speaking to me. i still have not been given an answer. the night before, things were good. we were corresponding in a cordial and flirtatious manner. then i said goodnight and there was no good morning. the few words i've heard from him (directly or otherwise) have been only that i am crazy because i keep asking why and demands that i leave him alone. i wish that i could. i wish more than anything that i could stop feeling, thinking, hurting, etc... because of him. if i fucked something up, i need to know why. i need to know what i have to work on for anyone in the future. but i do not know, i do not have any answers and i have an overwhelming weight of heartache and loss. he may as well be dead, because that is the way it hurts. my first love was nothing at all compared to this love. i cannot stop. i cannot forget. i cannot let go. i know he is not who he is pretending to be right now. i know.
so this is a reality that i have to live with every day, and yet it seems so fucking unreal. it does not even seem possible, given the way we were before that day. i spent 5 hours making a birthday card for him. filled it with tiny little notes, all of them stating something that i loved about him. a few weeks before, he and i had spent my birthday alone together, skin to skin, spewing honesty in the dark. he even told me later that i had made his entire weekend. things seemed so perfect. i have encountered him randomly a few times since our severance, but he does not look at me.
someday this won't hurt, right?
yeah, i'm a girl. yeah, i try very hard to not mold to those stupid stereotypes of how we females are. yeah, i mostly succeed in my efforts.
however, i do have my weaknesses and while they cause me a million problems, i am still thankful for knowing that i am even capable of feeling.
so, almost 10 years ago, i distantly encountered a certain guy via a forum (yes, internet) that no longer exists. over those years, i knew vaguely what was going on in his life, or who he was kinda peripherally. maybe 2-3 years ago, his presence became more prominent in my vision and i began paying more attention. it did not take long for me to develop a fascination. eventually i mentioned this to a mutual friend who told the guy and we began speaking. things progressed rapidly from there and while i have been steadfast in my determination to wait until i was ready to be in love, i could not help falling for him. i tried so hard to play things off and even tried to pretend i was not hurt when we became so close that i might as well have been dating him, but he belonged to someone else. i tried. i fought. i kicked and i screamed and i drank a lot and numbed myself to sleep with xanax because i could not deal with the reality of the situation i had created....
i was in love, despite myself. i was willing to compromise and change. i was waiting in the wings though i had never been asked. i was miserable and somehow felt more alive than i ever had before. he seemed to feel like i did, but would not admit as much and was always restrained (as he should have been, having a girlfriend and all). he spent so much time with me (and yet, it never felt like enough) and we shared so many secrets that it was only fitting that he became my absolute best friend. he knows more about me than anyone else ever has. he (for a time) accepted everything, gave his honest opinion even when it kinda hurt for me to hear the truth, and he was still supportive of me becoming the person i strive so hard to be.
clearly, it was not hard for me to be madly, stupidly in love with this boy. and then he moved in with the girlfriend. i knew it was going to happen, but he had not told me for some reason. maybe shame, maybe embarrassment, maybe uncertainty and just not wanting to admit to me that he felt he may be making a mistake. after all, we had both come to realize that he was the stronger of the two of us, and maybe we depended upon that too much. i can recall the day it became clear. he was driving me to my car, in the rain, too fast. i was scared and started crying because i was so anxious and upset but unsure exactly why. when we reached my car and he started walking into his house, he turned and looked at me. i said simply, "i guess i will see you when i see you." and he was so casual, like he wanted me to believe that nothing had changed. i cried the entire drive home and for days after.
months later, after a lot of silence, we became somewhat close again. eventually the relationship with his girlfriend fell apart, but they still had a lease together. there were still restrictions and i had already moved almost 800 miles away. visits were planned and then canceled. always, there was a leash of "i want you, but we can't be together, but i love you, but i won't say it, but please love me" and of course i just obeyed. i had been through 6-7 years of absolute misery after losing my very first love to another girl while pregnant, but somehow this boy, this friend... had become everything. he was everything i had ever dreamed i would find, everything i wanted, everything i needed. this has been the most devastating experience of my entire life and as a result, i no longer believe that i have the drive to find anyone else that i feel this way about.
earlier this year, the day of his birth, he suddenly stopped speaking to me. i still have not been given an answer. the night before, things were good. we were corresponding in a cordial and flirtatious manner. then i said goodnight and there was no good morning. the few words i've heard from him (directly or otherwise) have been only that i am crazy because i keep asking why and demands that i leave him alone. i wish that i could. i wish more than anything that i could stop feeling, thinking, hurting, etc... because of him. if i fucked something up, i need to know why. i need to know what i have to work on for anyone in the future. but i do not know, i do not have any answers and i have an overwhelming weight of heartache and loss. he may as well be dead, because that is the way it hurts. my first love was nothing at all compared to this love. i cannot stop. i cannot forget. i cannot let go. i know he is not who he is pretending to be right now. i know.
so this is a reality that i have to live with every day, and yet it seems so fucking unreal. it does not even seem possible, given the way we were before that day. i spent 5 hours making a birthday card for him. filled it with tiny little notes, all of them stating something that i loved about him. a few weeks before, he and i had spent my birthday alone together, skin to skin, spewing honesty in the dark. he even told me later that i had made his entire weekend. things seemed so perfect. i have encountered him randomly a few times since our severance, but he does not look at me.
someday this won't hurt, right?
9.15.2010
different rant.
what is with people who just LOVE the sound of their own voice so much that they never ever ever shut up? i have told my roommate countless times that i do not feel all that social when i get home, and yet every goddamned day, he feels the need to talk incessantly upon my return from work. i know he works from home and is probably starved for adult interaction, but does he have to take it out on me? most of the time, he isn't even really talking TO me, so much as he is talking aloud, sorting out his own thoughts, working out things by just saying them. he just spent (not kidding) 20 minutes debating (out loud) to himself about the age of his uncle. to make things worse, he says "like" like every other word. like for real. like, it is sooooo annoying. and that like, brings me to another point of contention. like, he also likes to like, draw out some words for like... no apparent reason. like, he'll be all like, "so we should like proooobably like consider like ordering like food for dinner, since like, the rations in the like pantry are getting pretty like low. maaaaaaaaaaybe we should like go ahead and like dooooo that since like we will have that like waaaaaaaaait for the like delivery. i don't want like thai. i like... don't want like chineeeeese. i don't want like greek. so how about like.... piiiiizza? like. i could like go for like onions and like peeeeeppers and like pepperoni."
seriously. just. shut. up. oh. my. god. i. will. stab. you. otherwise.
it really truly grates on my nerves like sandpaper. maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe like, raaaaaaaaazorblades.
i have no idea what has been happening on any tv show i have attempted to watch for the last 2 months. i have no idea what he is even talking about most of the time because i try so hard to ignore him and hope i am not expected to respond. you know it is bad when i have had to pretend to be asleep on more than one occasion just so he would not attempt to converse with me.
seriously. just. shut. up. oh. my. god. i. will. stab. you. otherwise.
it really truly grates on my nerves like sandpaper. maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe like, raaaaaaaaazorblades.
i have no idea what has been happening on any tv show i have attempted to watch for the last 2 months. i have no idea what he is even talking about most of the time because i try so hard to ignore him and hope i am not expected to respond. you know it is bad when i have had to pretend to be asleep on more than one occasion just so he would not attempt to converse with me.
short rant
though i will probably expand this rant at a later date.
someone i know has recently given birth and has known since that little pee-stick came up positive that she would be a single mother. she has a gorgeous child and she thinks the world of that baby, but she has found herself in the hellish depths of postpartum depression. it IS a real thing, people. unfortunately, even people who acknowledge the reality of its existence often have a tendency to dismiss it when faced with someone they actually KNOW having it, as though it is some foreign disease we've heard of but that does not happen to good ol' Americans. so all of her "supportive network" of family + friends keep redirecting her to each other or just flat out saying they do not believe she is depressed. she has always been depressed and has a history of serious anxiety, so given the circumstances, it is not at all surprising that she is struggling now with the PPD. i was worried that this would happen, actually.
it seems that i am the only person in her life who genuinely believes her when she says she's not sure she can take it much longer. she hasn't slept in weeks, even though the baby sleeps plenty. she is unable to quiet her mind or her emotions enough to get any rest. i have been there, done that. i was lucky in that my exhaustion always won out and my boys slept like angels, but i do remember how depressed i really was. i remember seeing a couple of counselors after jack was born, being given medications and feeling apathetic entirely once they took hold. neither feeling was okay to me. she cannot afford to see a doctor and her insurance won't cover such things.
the problem i am facing is that i live almost 800 miles away from her and thus am unable to provide any hands-on help. if i could take the time off of work or find a way to be there, i would absolutely stay up with her child and let her rest. i would make sure that she had someone to talk to about the things she feels but is terrified to admit because somehow, we as mothers have conditioned each other to believe that if we vocalize that things are not okay, we're bad parents.
so what is a friend to do? more importantly, what is a broke, single mother of a newborn to do when no one will listen to her pleas for help?
someone i know has recently given birth and has known since that little pee-stick came up positive that she would be a single mother. she has a gorgeous child and she thinks the world of that baby, but she has found herself in the hellish depths of postpartum depression. it IS a real thing, people. unfortunately, even people who acknowledge the reality of its existence often have a tendency to dismiss it when faced with someone they actually KNOW having it, as though it is some foreign disease we've heard of but that does not happen to good ol' Americans. so all of her "supportive network" of family + friends keep redirecting her to each other or just flat out saying they do not believe she is depressed. she has always been depressed and has a history of serious anxiety, so given the circumstances, it is not at all surprising that she is struggling now with the PPD. i was worried that this would happen, actually.
it seems that i am the only person in her life who genuinely believes her when she says she's not sure she can take it much longer. she hasn't slept in weeks, even though the baby sleeps plenty. she is unable to quiet her mind or her emotions enough to get any rest. i have been there, done that. i was lucky in that my exhaustion always won out and my boys slept like angels, but i do remember how depressed i really was. i remember seeing a couple of counselors after jack was born, being given medications and feeling apathetic entirely once they took hold. neither feeling was okay to me. she cannot afford to see a doctor and her insurance won't cover such things.
the problem i am facing is that i live almost 800 miles away from her and thus am unable to provide any hands-on help. if i could take the time off of work or find a way to be there, i would absolutely stay up with her child and let her rest. i would make sure that she had someone to talk to about the things she feels but is terrified to admit because somehow, we as mothers have conditioned each other to believe that if we vocalize that things are not okay, we're bad parents.
so what is a friend to do? more importantly, what is a broke, single mother of a newborn to do when no one will listen to her pleas for help?
9.14.2010
titillating tuesday
don't get too excited, folks. the title of this post is entirely misleading, unless of course you find yourself lusting after days filled with dishes, laundry, mopping, filing and cooking things you are not even in the mood to eat. then and only then would today be thrilling to you. also, if you are one of those people, you probably have an even more boring life than i do during the week.
i am still working on the lengthy recap of Renegade, so i have not forgotten that.
i also received my fancypants skin needle roller thing today, which will be the basis for my product review that i mentioned previously.
beer number 1 is almost empty, but beer number 2 signals the start of those damned dishes, and that means i am not in a hurry to down this one.
to add to all this overwhelming excitement, i also need to go to Target in a little while. hoping i can get there and back without incident. knowing me, something will happen. if that's the case, i hope that it will at least be something worth blogging about for the entertainment of people who are not me.
i am still working on the lengthy recap of Renegade, so i have not forgotten that.
i also received my fancypants skin needle roller thing today, which will be the basis for my product review that i mentioned previously.
beer number 1 is almost empty, but beer number 2 signals the start of those damned dishes, and that means i am not in a hurry to down this one.
to add to all this overwhelming excitement, i also need to go to Target in a little while. hoping i can get there and back without incident. knowing me, something will happen. if that's the case, i hope that it will at least be something worth blogging about for the entertainment of people who are not me.
9.12.2010
another round.
day one of Renegade was fantastic. i saw some incredible things, had funnel cake, collected a billion cards so i could check back on those vendors and walked so much i was home and asleep before 10:30 last night.
i'm heading back out there today to make a second round and check out the handful of things i missed yesterday, as well as pick up a couple of gifts toward my early shopping for those December holidays.
i intend to write a lengthy post later, probably actually broken into a few posts, so i can cover some of the crafters and their wares in more detail.
this morning i was dozing and woke to the sound of something rattling in the kitchen area. the window was open, so i thought perhaps it was neighbors on the back porch. that is, until i heard the distinct sound of dishes rattling in the sink and knew no one was in the kitchen. i peeped around the corner and found a squirrel just sitting there on the countertop. he panicked when he saw me, and leaped up and out of the window screen, which i discovered he had torn open.
it is so obviously becoming fall and as much as this is my favorite season, it is also the one that makes me feel the loneliest. i would much rather be sharing this softest-blanket-ever with someone else. despite this, i am damn determined to enjoy the brevity of this season here in chicago, and prepare myself for the winter ahead. i cannot wait to get started on all my "it's-too-cold-to-go-out" projects.
what is your favorite season?
i'm heading back out there today to make a second round and check out the handful of things i missed yesterday, as well as pick up a couple of gifts toward my early shopping for those December holidays.
i intend to write a lengthy post later, probably actually broken into a few posts, so i can cover some of the crafters and their wares in more detail.
this morning i was dozing and woke to the sound of something rattling in the kitchen area. the window was open, so i thought perhaps it was neighbors on the back porch. that is, until i heard the distinct sound of dishes rattling in the sink and knew no one was in the kitchen. i peeped around the corner and found a squirrel just sitting there on the countertop. he panicked when he saw me, and leaped up and out of the window screen, which i discovered he had torn open.
it is so obviously becoming fall and as much as this is my favorite season, it is also the one that makes me feel the loneliest. i would much rather be sharing this softest-blanket-ever with someone else. despite this, i am damn determined to enjoy the brevity of this season here in chicago, and prepare myself for the winter ahead. i cannot wait to get started on all my "it's-too-cold-to-go-out" projects.
what is your favorite season?
9.11.2010
your girl, she's a renegade...
After years of hearing about it, today is the day that I am finally able to attend Renegade Craft Fair. It is a street fair featuring hundreds of crafty vendors, all organized by the lovely people at Renegade Handmade here in Chicago. The fair does visit other cities and will have different vendors at each location, so if you missed out this year, be sure to check it out next year. Chicago and San Francisco are fortunate enough to also feature a holiday edition of the fair.
In addition to crafty wares of all varieties you can imagine (and probably some you could not), there will be live music, food, beer + wine, workshops + tutorials, a free photobooth and plenty of activities for kids. Pets are welcome, but please keep them leashed. There will be free bicycle parking provided at the intersection of Winchester and Division St. Also, fair-goers arriving via bicycle or presenting their CTA cards will receive a free issue of TimeOut Chicago.
I cannot wait to head over there, despite today's rainy weather. Check out the websites and come on out to the fair. I will be sharing some of my favorites later.
In addition to crafty wares of all varieties you can imagine (and probably some you could not), there will be live music, food, beer + wine, workshops + tutorials, a free photobooth and plenty of activities for kids. Pets are welcome, but please keep them leashed. There will be free bicycle parking provided at the intersection of Winchester and Division St. Also, fair-goers arriving via bicycle or presenting their CTA cards will receive a free issue of TimeOut Chicago.
I cannot wait to head over there, despite today's rainy weather. Check out the websites and come on out to the fair. I will be sharing some of my favorites later.
9.10.2010
digging.
i am digging:
-the frozen chicken quesadilla's from Trader Joe's.
-joey cheats death.
-squeezing out the last of summer via Berry Weiss
-listening to the mix cd tim made for my road trip to meet my first chicago roommate. maritime, sybris, glass candy, black kids, stars, etc. so good.
-'window shopping' for boots online. still have not yet found a pair that i must own.
-the ever-changing lineup of cute socks at Target. (i am obsessed with knee-high socks in adorable patterns and colors)
-Covert Affairs.
-orange essential oil.
-The Brak Show. always. i am re-watching it tonight.
-the frozen chicken quesadilla's from Trader Joe's.
-joey cheats death.
-squeezing out the last of summer via Berry Weiss
-listening to the mix cd tim made for my road trip to meet my first chicago roommate. maritime, sybris, glass candy, black kids, stars, etc. so good.
-'window shopping' for boots online. still have not yet found a pair that i must own.
-the ever-changing lineup of cute socks at Target. (i am obsessed with knee-high socks in adorable patterns and colors)
-Covert Affairs.
-orange essential oil.
-The Brak Show. always. i am re-watching it tonight.
9.09.2010
an elegant, bulleted list
i have about half a million ideas for what i want to do with this particular blog, but some will not end up coming to fruition. i do know that it will be more varied than my assorted other dumping grounds, and i hope that i will acquire some new readers via this hobby of mine. here are some things that will be coming soon or changing a bit:
-my blogroll (i.e. the other things i read daily) will be added
-etsy love (currently just the things in my favorites, but eventually my own etsy stuff, too)
-every sort of topic is fair game, though i know that my opinions may clash with those of the people who read what i write. it's not like anyone is forced to look at this site or agree with me, and hey, what are those freedoms of speech for anyhow?
-i am about to embark on an independent product test that will require at least 3 months to complete, so i will be writing about that periodically. no one is paying me to do this trial, the product was purchased, etc. etc. this is all me and my idea.
-there will be more photos to accompany some of the updates.
-i will continue to be blunt, opinionated, crass and occasionally obscene, so i do expect a bit of hate mail.
there is so much more that i plan to do, but that's a small taste of what to expect.
now, i need to head out to the local Borders, as I am out of reading material for my daily commute.
-my blogroll (i.e. the other things i read daily) will be added
-etsy love (currently just the things in my favorites, but eventually my own etsy stuff, too)
-every sort of topic is fair game, though i know that my opinions may clash with those of the people who read what i write. it's not like anyone is forced to look at this site or agree with me, and hey, what are those freedoms of speech for anyhow?
-i am about to embark on an independent product test that will require at least 3 months to complete, so i will be writing about that periodically. no one is paying me to do this trial, the product was purchased, etc. etc. this is all me and my idea.
-there will be more photos to accompany some of the updates.
-i will continue to be blunt, opinionated, crass and occasionally obscene, so i do expect a bit of hate mail.
there is so much more that i plan to do, but that's a small taste of what to expect.
now, i need to head out to the local Borders, as I am out of reading material for my daily commute.
less furry.
okay, so it wasn't wretched. in fact, most of it was pretty minor until the more "private" areas, where i forgot to pull the skin tight as a drum and ended up with some fun little blood blisters. trust me, those rapid-fire tweezers do not discriminate between thin skin and hairs.
unfortunately, i am one of those people who has body hair which grows at drastically different rates, so i know damn well i'll be doing a solid "touch-up" procedure in a couple of days, just to catch the bits of hair that had not yet surfaced by this evening.
why must being soft and lovely also be so complicated?
i can truly say that i do not shave/wax/epilate/depilate for anyone but myself. i just really really really hate body hair on my own skin. if only the more permanent types of removal were affordable to those of us who can barely scrape by each month....
on the plus side, i have never been smoother in my post-pubescent life. tmi? sure, yeah, maybe. probably. but.... the idea of this entire blog is to just stop bullshitting and say what i think/feel/experience. it's up to YOU if you read it or not, so don't blame me if you find yourself offended.
now it is nearly 2 a.m. and i do have to wake up for work in about 4.5 hours, so y'all take care now and sweet dreams.
unfortunately, i am one of those people who has body hair which grows at drastically different rates, so i know damn well i'll be doing a solid "touch-up" procedure in a couple of days, just to catch the bits of hair that had not yet surfaced by this evening.
why must being soft and lovely also be so complicated?
i can truly say that i do not shave/wax/epilate/depilate for anyone but myself. i just really really really hate body hair on my own skin. if only the more permanent types of removal were affordable to those of us who can barely scrape by each month....
on the plus side, i have never been smoother in my post-pubescent life. tmi? sure, yeah, maybe. probably. but.... the idea of this entire blog is to just stop bullshitting and say what i think/feel/experience. it's up to YOU if you read it or not, so don't blame me if you find yourself offended.
now it is nearly 2 a.m. and i do have to wake up for work in about 4.5 hours, so y'all take care now and sweet dreams.
9.08.2010
daunting.
oh jeez, people. i am about to take on the potentially terrifying task of epilating. i have tattoos, piercings and birthed a couple of watermelon-sized people... surely i won't cry as all of my tiny little hairs are tweezed out at high-speed... right? just in case, i decided to invite a couple of my good friends from the ol' PBR to give me moral support.
i will report back on how awful it is when i am done (which may be less than 10 seconds after i begin, but i am stubborn).
i will report back on how awful it is when i am done (which may be less than 10 seconds after i begin, but i am stubborn).
9.07.2010
brand new newness
for those of you who just like to follow me around on the internet in the hopes i will say or do something you can use against me, and those of you who don't want to talk to me, but still somehow want to know what is happening in my life and those of you who are actually my friends and who care and are people i appreciate... this is the new blog. this one will be all public and this one will be all full of completely varied things, without tact and generally just me without the privacy filter.
so set your bookmarks, folks... it's time to get on with the show.
p.s. please... say hello.
so set your bookmarks, folks... it's time to get on with the show.
p.s. please... say hello.
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