i miss you

or... you think i miss you. and maybe in other situations, after other occasions, i'd succumb to such a thing. but after the latest? eh. you're kind of a huge waste of everyone's time. i realize that everyone will know that very soon, but until then? just know i am coming for you, sugar.

farewell and goodnight.

Action Plan

In light of a lot of recent (and ongoing) issues and setbacks, I have renewed my drive to get things on track.

I know I have just allowed things to get completely out of control and buried my head in the sand, which is really getting me nowhere good.

So I have taken some time to research, looking up advice and tips for succeeding at the various things I want to accomplish. Then I started a little journal where I am tracking everything I do in a day. Activities, money spent, accomplishments from my to-do list, likes and dislikes, diet, sleep, and then i write out my feelings about each of those things (i.e. should i have done something differently and if so, how?) so I can gauge my perception of overall progress on a more constant basis. This should help keep me from just blanketing it all with, "I am trying but it still sucks and nothing is changing."

I have a few short-term goals I want to achieve, so I made rules about what I can and cannot do until those goals are met. For one, until I find a new apartment, I will not be drinking any alcohol. Not only does this save me money, but it also keeps me from going home, having a cocktail and then not following through with the rest of my scheduled evening's action items. Furthermore, given the stress and emotional rawness of my current life, alcohol only increases my sadness or anger. When I am happy, I can drink socially and be enjoyable, so I want to make a point to wait until I can get back to that.

I don't know if this plan will work, but I have hope.

i don't even

know where to begin with anything.

i keep thinking that i used to know how to handle everything, that i knew solutions to problems that hadn't even come up yet.

now?

i feel lost. like i have been lost for years, maybe a decade.

i guess i was kidding myself all along.

the only people who can be trusted are those who aren't allowed to know you.

a lie leads to more lies.

truth is, i'm scared to have anything go well, because then something else can be taken from me.

ugh.

it bothers me so much how i actually notice the difference between him and other people opening the gate. i KNOW the sound of his keys jingling, long before he ever tries to put them in the gate behind our building. i hear people go in and out all day long. we share that gate with an italian restaurant and a starbucks... people are ALWAYS taking out trash. but when this boy unlocks the gate... i know it's him. before he can ever make it to the door. before he can even finish turning the key...

maybe i should just close the windows.

I am using this post to share some poems i really like. These first few are all by Richard Brautigan.

15%

she tries to get things
out of men
that she can't get
because she's not
15% prettier

-2

Everybody wants to go to bed
with everybody else, they're
lined up for blocks, so I'll
go to bed with you. They won't
miss us

It's Raining In Love

I don't know what it is,
but I distrust myself
when I start to like a girl
a lot.

Love Poem

it's so nice
to wake up in the morning
all alone
and not have to tell somebody
you love them
when you don't love them
any more.

Please

Do you think of me
as often
as I think
of you?

Romeo and Juliet

If you will die for me,
I will die for you
and our graves will be like two lovers washing
their clothes together
in a laundromat
If you will bring the soap
I will bring the bleach.

We Stopped at Perfect Days

We stopped at perfect days
and got out of the car.
The wind glanced at her hair.
It was as simple as that.
I turned to say something--

The Moon Versus Us Ever Sleeping Together Again

I sit here, an arch-villain of romance,
thinking about you. Gee, I'm sorry
I made you unhappy, but there was nothing
I could do about it because I have to be free.
Perhaps everything would have been different
if you had stayed at the table or asked me
to go out with you to look at the moon,
instead of getting up and leaving me alone with
her.

The next few are by Suraj Samtani.

I Once Made The Mistake

I once made the mistake of investigating who you really are.
You just surfaced the labels of your identities.

I once made the mistake of trying to unmask you of your identities.
You just showed me a dead end.

I once made the mistake of enlivening your self-imposed dead ends.
You just threatened my life.

I once made the mistake of offering to sacrifice my life for you.
You just snatched away my last breath.


Only I Know

Only I know...

whats that behind the mirror,
whats that behind your masks,
whats that behind your soul.

I have
seen it,
felt it,
experienced it.

No use pretending to me.
No use neglecting me.
No use hiding from me.

You may escape your self,
But you can never, ever,

Escape
Me.

Okay, that's all I feel like posting for now.

assorted flavors.

i have had something of an emotionally devastating morning and at the moment, find myself numb. there are a million things i want to say or write about, but my thoughts are jumbled. i may begin posting more soon, as i sort things out. i want to record everything i can before my memory develops any more voids.

it is a gorgeous day outside in chicago. i wish i could enjoy it properly. instead, i am at work, with nothing to do but think about things and dread the moment i start feeling again. the numbness never lasts.

in an attempt to cheer up, i was reading the news. today's favorite headline so far:

"Teen Hid Sword In Pants"

edit: i take that back. current favorite headline is "Man Steals Underwear, Arrested While Praying"

changes

my phone no longer works. i have deactivated my facebook account. i will no longer be on gchat or aim. i cannot deal with people anymore.

closeness

i was going to delete all of my internet profiles tonight. then i decided that they may be the only way my boys can ever know me in the future.

SOX!

People who know me well (and some who don't) know that I have a love of non-boring socks. With that in mind, I decided to make this entire post about some of the socks and stockings I adore (and want to own, in case anyone feels like buying me presents) from one of my favorite sites, Sock Dreams.


These kinda make me think of an alt version of Alice in Wonderland


Super long, super stripey, super cute.


Rainbow loooooove.


A little bit winter holiday-ish.


Terrific teal, almost argyle.


Giraffe? Giraffe!


At least your legs can be formal.


Totally awesome, totally currently sold out. Sadface.


Button up!


I also love skeleton keys.


Oh, the cute manatees!


Solar power


Unicorns may not exist, but I'm glad these socks do.


Birds!


Sexy, sexy

Okay, so that's only a small portion of the things I love on their site, but for the sake of not just posting everything, I've narrowed down the list. They also sell tights, shorter socks if you're not into the lengthier versions, petticoats, garter belts, and more. I'm sure I will make more posts similar to this, sharing other things I like, so if you enjoyed this one, keep an eye out for others.

childishness

I am at work, and that means I am frequently acquiring Diet Coke from the vending machine in our kitchen. When I made my first trip in there this morning, I noticed that they restocked the snack machine and this time, it includes Bugles.

I wrestled with myself mentally for at least 30 seconds on whether or not to buy them, but eventually decided against the purchase for the simple fact that the ONLY reason I wanted them was so I could put them on my fingertips.

As I told my bff, you just never outgrow some things.

Watching him paint me is

Watching him paint me is sexy.

hiccups.

despite a brief period of unpleasant reality tonight, i am determined to just follow through with what i know is best, no matter what.

that determination has reminded me to think more about the positives.

today and yesterday and the day before were sunny and warm, which sounds normal for may, but in the midwest, you never know. i did some volunteer work on saturday, which lifted my spirits and made me feel like i at least tried to make a difference. i am hoping to explore more opportunities soon. sunday, i got a bit of sun on my face and helped the roommate finish removing the old crappy tiles from our secondhand patio set, so it can be re-tiled.

today was spent with good conversation and a lot of completed projects at work, resulting in even more feelings of accomplishment. tomorrow, i meet some new people and attempt to move forward with more positive, genuine and interesting folks in my life, to accompany the few who have been a part of me for some time now. it's time to once again show that side of myself who is outgoing, diplomatic and charming.

y'all check back to find out what's next!

oh, rexy, you're sooo sexy!

actually, i just have to say, among all the other things that occupy my mind at any given time, and all the things that are significantly more important...

the sexiest man i know at this time is one i see virtually every single day and we'll just call him "Byron" because that's probably the best name i can create for him. Lord Byron? yes. sexy, sexy, sexy.

Domme Chronicles: Sometimes

Domme Chronicles: Sometimes: "Sometimes my passion wanes, and it is not you and it is not me, it just is. Sometimes you feel so close to me, like you are inside me, lik..."

This post really really really got to me and I have cried for a while since I read it. The vulnerability of being a human and having emotions...

physical imperfections that i love about myself, pt. 1

i have this little indented scar above my left eyebrow. i think it's probably left over from childhood chicken pox, or some monstrous zit that i somehow don't recall (super unlikely, since i've had it for ages and i didn't have "bad" skin until my early 20s). it looks almost like a dimple, but is clearly a scar of some sort. normally, this would upset me, but since being imperfect is an ideal that i cling to, i am choosing to accept that "imperfection" also manifests in the physical realm. and this little scar? it makes me just a tad more unique.

at this speed it makes no difference

i am hopping on an airplane in a couple of hours. going to my home state to see my history and my future.

i am always nervous when i fly, as i have still only done so 6-10 times in my life. every time we take off or land, i start pseudo-praying, though i'm not religious and i don't know who i am praying to. i just want to put it out into the universe in those potentially final moments that i love jack and eli (and a number of other people) and that if the transition from ground to air/air to ground goes awry, i want those people to know that i love them.

every time i think i am going to be okay and i am... until i'm buckled into my uncomfortable seat with that stupid overhead vent blowing into my eyeball no matter where i turn it... and then i get nervous.

so people... please, if anything horrible happens to me tonight (or on my return flight on tuesday)... make sure those people know.

okay, i'm going to catch a plane now. you all have a great weekend. <3

happy birthday

to you. i hope that this is the year when you will figure out what to do to make yourself happy. no, i don't want you around, but i do still want you to be who you want to be. so best wishes.

deeeeeelightful

i may have a lot of stitches in my face, and that may be painful, but someone decided to send me some lovely photos that just cheered me right up. so thanks to my bff, 'cause she's always looking out for my happiness. love!

when our intentions leak out to our history

today alone, i've had a few ex-flings or ex boyfriends tell me they had dreams about performing sexual acts with me. this is not an uncommon revelation over time, but in a single day or week or month, it seems a bit much. so two in one day... that's bizarre and i cannot help wondering if my own wishes are translating poorly in the universe to people who had a connection with me.

222. Great night.

222. Great night.

i promise in less than an hour, we will honestly go.

http://listen.grooveshark.com/s/Open/3o7aw2?src=5

i love...

people who can obey, people who treat me like i am important.

So.... It sucks to be

So.... It sucks to be you, right? Knowing i let you held me back. That you were always a negative + now i know.

I'm pretty sure i'm okay

I'm pretty sure i'm okay now. FINALLY.

Some think i'm delusional, some

Some think i'm delusional, some are supportive, but both know i've decided to change my life. <3 to my friends.

Older does not = wiser

Older does not = wiser

I. Am. A. Complete. Idiot.

I. Am. A. Complete. Idiot.

Happy birthday to me!

Happy birthday to me!

i meant to post this at the 31 day mark

but i forgot.

so instead i'm gonna pat myself on the back at 33 days (that would be today) since i quit smoking.

yes, i am very proud of myself.

thanks to the people who kept encouraging me to quit and those who kept reminding me that i did not need to give in to the cravings that i thought would make me a murderer that first week. i couldn't have done it without you. <3

making things work

sometimes i want to:

-combine my sentimental hippie side with your realistic apathetic side.

-make those two things influence each other positively.

here we go again.

still my fault. always. nothing i can do to make it better. at least, that's how it seems.

so let's revert back to 2ish months ago. i'm going to go on about my day and week and month because i have no choice and things must be done.

today's exciting adventures: laundry, whole foods, trader joe's, blick, cleaning, making dinner, working on stuff for the future, preparing for another work week starting tomorrow.

my birthday is a week from today. i'll be 25. for the third time. i think i'll make myself a cheesecake. i actually don't feel sad about that prospect. i do enjoy baking and i do enjoy cheesecake.

I'll be gone soon.

I'll be goddamned.

Conflict of Interests

I was just looking at my most recent song posts on Blip.fm (for those of you who want to stalk, it's right here) and I have been both saddened and amused by my choices.

Okay, yes.... most of my selections of late have been The Smashing Pumpkins. The rest were on a similar level of melancholy.

The way things work for me is that I am always way behind. I am never cool enough. have no idea which of the latest unheard-of-bands is okay to like and which one isn't. I don't give a fuck about that stuff because I am no longer 16 and I have other aspirations these days.

However, I couldn't help but notice that my SP selections seem to boil down to a common theme.

The Pumpkins will always break my heart. I crave that sort of understanding.

Too much of my life.

Still.... not enough.

I feel energy in this

I feel energy in this room

Revolving Doors

i quit smoking about 13 days ago. it has not been quite as hard as i expected.

other choices were made which i am not sure were in my best interests.

however, in keeping with the theme of moving right along (always forward, folks), i changed the names of a few people in my phone. variations on "silence" so that now i will have to go through the trouble of looking at the specific phone number if i want to reply to one of them, and i'm just too lazy for that. some are just people who want to drag me down. others are people who only have interest in talking to me when they find themselves with nothing else to do. convenience, you see.

i'm not a 7-11.

it is entirely possible that Marilyn Monroe predicted everything i would ever think

"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't."

"When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them."

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."

"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."

"If I'd observed all the rules I'd never have got anywhere."

"It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone."

"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."

"What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course."

"I knew I belonged to the public and to the world, not because I was talented or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone else."

"Looking back, I guess I used to play-act all the time. For one thing, it meant I could live in a more interesting world than the one around me. "

"A career is wonderful, but you can't curl up with it on a cold night."

"How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself."

"I guess I have always been deeply terrified to really be someone's wife since I know from life one cannot love another, ever, really."

"I've never dropped anyone I believed in"

"People had a habit of looking at me as if I were some kind of mirror instead of a person. They didn't see me, they saw their own lewd thoughts, then they white-masked themselves by calling me the lewd one."

“Men are so willing to respect anything that bores them.”

“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.”

"Sometimes I think it would be easier to avoid old age, to die, young, but then you`d never complete your life, would you? You`d never wholly know yourself."

not surprising at all.

it is incredibly sad when the most mature males i know also happen to be my sons.

just stop.

I know that you are checking here regularly to see if I have posted anything new. Maybe something about you. Maybe something about whatever person you think I'm in love with today (my barista at Starbucks was pretty cute... wanna obsess over that one now?).

But the truth is, I probably won't be posting much, if ever, anymore. All because it's seemingly impossible for me to have an internet presence with any substance, lest someone I know goes completely batshit insane over it.

I never promised you anything. I never asked you to wait around for me, and in fact, I repeatedly encouraged you to find someone else. I told you over and over again that I was not and am not ready for the things you want, and the more you pressed the issue, the more I pulled away. It seemed as though you refused to believe that I have things I need to do for myself, and thought that if I would just go along with your plans everything would work out.