making things work

sometimes i want to:

-combine my sentimental hippie side with your realistic apathetic side.

-make those two things influence each other positively.

here we go again.

still my fault. always. nothing i can do to make it better. at least, that's how it seems.

so let's revert back to 2ish months ago. i'm going to go on about my day and week and month because i have no choice and things must be done.

today's exciting adventures: laundry, whole foods, trader joe's, blick, cleaning, making dinner, working on stuff for the future, preparing for another work week starting tomorrow.

my birthday is a week from today. i'll be 25. for the third time. i think i'll make myself a cheesecake. i actually don't feel sad about that prospect. i do enjoy baking and i do enjoy cheesecake.

I'll be gone soon.

I'll be goddamned.

Conflict of Interests

I was just looking at my most recent song posts on Blip.fm (for those of you who want to stalk, it's right here) and I have been both saddened and amused by my choices.

Okay, yes.... most of my selections of late have been The Smashing Pumpkins. The rest were on a similar level of melancholy.

The way things work for me is that I am always way behind. I am never cool enough. have no idea which of the latest unheard-of-bands is okay to like and which one isn't. I don't give a fuck about that stuff because I am no longer 16 and I have other aspirations these days.

However, I couldn't help but notice that my SP selections seem to boil down to a common theme.

The Pumpkins will always break my heart. I crave that sort of understanding.

Too much of my life.

Still.... not enough.

I feel energy in this

I feel energy in this room

Revolving Doors

i quit smoking about 13 days ago. it has not been quite as hard as i expected.

other choices were made which i am not sure were in my best interests.

however, in keeping with the theme of moving right along (always forward, folks), i changed the names of a few people in my phone. variations on "silence" so that now i will have to go through the trouble of looking at the specific phone number if i want to reply to one of them, and i'm just too lazy for that. some are just people who want to drag me down. others are people who only have interest in talking to me when they find themselves with nothing else to do. convenience, you see.

i'm not a 7-11.

it is entirely possible that Marilyn Monroe predicted everything i would ever think

"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't."

"When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them."

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."

"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."

"If I'd observed all the rules I'd never have got anywhere."

"It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone."

"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."

"What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course."

"I knew I belonged to the public and to the world, not because I was talented or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone else."

"Looking back, I guess I used to play-act all the time. For one thing, it meant I could live in a more interesting world than the one around me. "

"A career is wonderful, but you can't curl up with it on a cold night."

"How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself."

"I guess I have always been deeply terrified to really be someone's wife since I know from life one cannot love another, ever, really."

"I've never dropped anyone I believed in"

"People had a habit of looking at me as if I were some kind of mirror instead of a person. They didn't see me, they saw their own lewd thoughts, then they white-masked themselves by calling me the lewd one."

“Men are so willing to respect anything that bores them.”

“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.”

"Sometimes I think it would be easier to avoid old age, to die, young, but then you`d never complete your life, would you? You`d never wholly know yourself."

not surprising at all.

it is incredibly sad when the most mature males i know also happen to be my sons.